WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unusual legal twist, defendants charged in the January 6 riots have asked to have their charges reclassified to include child abuse so that the FBI will lose interest and move on to something more important.
"We here at the Bureau deeply apologize for arresting all those alleged rioters, who it turns out were only serially abusive pedophiles," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "No child molester should ever have to suffer such indignity at our hands. We promise we will make this right, whether that means forging testimony, burying allegations - whatever it takes to ensure those twisted perverts walk free."