Humor/Comedy [South Park] Immortal Coil

[AndrewJTalon]

- - -

Busting meth labs in Park County was nothing new for Mysterion. The last two years of pandemic madness and other nonsense had led to a spike in crime, and he was doing his level best to fight it.

But the incident with "Mitch Conner" (Fucking Cartman) had demonstrated that Mysterion couldn't fight on his own. There was just too much to handle by himself. The Freedom Pals helped more, now that they were really coming into their powers, but he'd been doing this since he was eight.

So when it came to handling crime himself, he only had one partner in mind.

He crouched in the tree overlooking the rundown warehouse near the train tracks, his cape fluttering out behind him in the night breeze. He narrowed his eyes at the warehouse, assessing the situation. Alongside him, dressed in her very flattering purple and pink outfit, Call Girl analyzed her readings on one of her many devices, connecting to it almost psychically.

"Well?" Mysterion grunted in his deep, gravelly voice.

"Confirmed. All five of the suspects are inside," she replied softly. "No real security system, and none of the nearby cameras record dogs or other obstacles." She turned and looked at him in concern. "Still... Sure we can handle this?"

"I'm sure," Mysterion said. "Otherwise, what was the point of all that gym time?"

"I'm serious," Call Girl pressed, "I mean, we know they're armed but-"

"Doesn't matter to me," Mysterion interrupted. "It never has."

Call Girl scowled at him.

"I get that sometimes you want to be macho, but you shouldn't have a death wish," she said. Mysterion chuckled blackly.

"Ha. That's funny," he said. "Death wish."

"I'm serious!" Call Girl insisted, "I know what you put on your character sheet but this is real life!"

"Yeah yeah," Mysterion said, "but you're right. We'll do this smart."

"All I ask," Call Girl said with a smile. "Goggles?"

"Goggles," Mysterion agreed, pulling on his set of the nightvision goggles Call Girl had gotten for them. He activated his own, and the world was cast into greens. Call Girl nodded to him.

"Let's do it."

- - -

The bust went pretty well from the start, actually. They placed doorjambs on every entrance, blocking off any chance of escape that way. They then climbed to the roof. Call Girl tapped into the electrical tap, and soon the warehouse lights went dark. They could hear the shouts and confused cries of the criminals inside.

That was when Call Girl activated her trump card. Every cell phone and electronic device in the meth lab with even a modest internet connectivity ability went off at once.

"PHONE DESTROYERRR~!"

The lithium batteries all went up in small explosions, which is when Mysterion and Call Girl smashed through the skylight. Mysterion fell on the first two thugs, slamming their heads together and hard, while using the momentum of his descent to slam them through a table to the floor. Call Girl used her taser escrima sticks like daggers, plunging them into the chest of another meth dealer and stunning him. He fell with another blow to the back of his head.

"Three," Mysterion muttered. He spotted another thug pulling a gun, and he pulled a throwing knife. He let it loose with perfect accuracy, nailing the guy in his shoulder. He bellowed in pain, distracted, which allowed Mysterion to jump over the table covered in lab equipment to slam his feet into his face. The thug fell hard, and Mysterion finished him off with a punch to the side of the head with his armored knuckles.

"Four," he added.

Mysterion looked over his shoulder at Call Girl, who dodged the wild swings of the fifth thug. She smacked him around with her escrima sticks, but the guy was clearly high on his own product with how he ignored the shocks. In the darkness of the warehouse, he couldn't see well, but he was dangerous enough. Mysterion moved to help, grabbing a beaker and throwing it into the back of the thug. He cried out and jerked his eyes back to Mysterion-Just long enough for Call Girl to drop down and leg sweep the guy.

"FUCK!" He shouted as he slammed into the concrete floor. Call Girl slammed a fist into his temple, and a smack with her escrima stick for good measure. The guy finally collapsed, still twitching from the drugs in his system. Call Girl looked up with a grin Mysterion swore he could see even without the nightvision goggles.

"Haa... Haa... Five. Perfect," Call Girl said with a grin. Mysterion nodded back, feeling like he could almost relax...

Then one of the doors busted open and a man brandished a machine gun.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" He bellowed. Mysterion immediately shoved Call Girl aside as the guy opened fire. Bullets whizzed through the air, and through him. He ignored the agony, as he had done countless times, and threw a firecracker into the man's face. The explosions and sparks rained on his face, making the thug cry out and cover his face. He staggered backwards, his gun down.

Call Girl sprinted, using all her muscles to tackle the guy into the door frame. He struggled, but a blast from Call Girl's tasers left him limp. She still beat the shit out of him, breaking his nose and jaw with her escrima sticks. He slid down whimpering, and Call Girl yanked the machine gun away and tossed it into the dark warehouse. She stood up, breathing hard, as she scanned around.

"Shit, we missed one," she grunted. "Mysterion? Mysteri-Oh God..."

She raced up to him. Mysterion laid on the floor, propped up against a wooden table covered in chemicals. He held his stomach as blood gushed from multiple bullet wounds. He looked up at her as she knelt beside him, a wry grin on his face.

"Heh... Well... Fuck," he said, "guess we need to get better about recon, huh?"

"Oh God, oh God," Call Girl gasped. "Just-Just hang on!" She grabbed part of Mysterion's cape and bunched it up, pressing it hard against the wounds, "It's gonna be okay, Mysterion. I promise, it will be okay. I'm calling an ambulance-!"

"They got my liver and lung, at least," Mysterion replied softly, "death is ensured in about... Ten minutes? Maybe twenty. No ambulance is going to make it-"

"Shut up! Stop talking like that!" Call Girl shot back, applying as much pressure as she could. "You're going into shock, you need to elevate your legs-!"

"You always cared, you know? Even when we didn't talk to each other," Mysterion went on, "you still cared. Even back in preschool... I remember that. It was... I really liked it. I liked you. Ya know? Your strength too." He shrugged. "Then you hit puberty and the gym and... You just became hot. Like, so hot. Stan was a fucking idiot to lose you, ya know?"

"You-You should stop talking, Kenny," Call Girl said, her voice shaking, "you need to stay calm-Breathe deeply, it'll be okay-"

"The bitch of it is, it doesn't matter if I die for real," Mysterion went on sadly, "because you won't remember...."

"Remember what?!" Call Girl demanded. Mysterion looked up into her eyes, and smiled even as blood began to drool from his mouth.

"Any of this..." He sighed, "so, I may as well..."

"As well wha-Mmph?!" Call Girl would have cried out louder, but Kenny had pulled her into a kiss. It was warm, and wet, and tasted like blood and her heart still pounded like a drum holy shit...

Mysterion broke the kiss, and smiled at her.

"See you tomorrow," he murmured, as he began to cough up more blood. Call Girl screamed at him, moved his legs, tried to reach him however she could, but... It didn't do any good.

Which was a shame. She was beautiful when she cried. But he hated seeing her cry. Especially over him.

- - -

Wendy was a mess the next day at school. She had accompanied the paramedics all the way to Hell's Pass Hospital, where she'd watched anxiously as the doctors and nurses tried to revive Kenny. But it hadn't done any good-He was gone.

The police showed up soon after, and Wendy had to make herself scarce. She managed to crawl into bed at... 3 something? She'd pulled off her costume, turned on the shower, sat in the corner, and cried her eyes out.

She hadn't wanted to go to school, but... Finals were coming up and despite everything, she couldn't let anyone make the connection between her and Call Girl. Though with Kenny's death, that was only a matter of time.

Wendy trudged into South Park High School, staring blankly ahead. The rambunctious chatter of the other students was just a buzz in her mind, nothing she could latch onto. She bumped into someone, and looked up into the concerned face of Stan Marsh.

"Wendy? You okay?" He asked. Wendy wanted to open her mouth, say something... But no words would come. Stan looked even more concerned, and rested his hands on her shoulders.

"Wendy? What's wrong?" He asked.

I got one of your best friends killed last night, Wendy thought, but the words just didn't get to her lips. She felt tears threatening the corners of her eyes again. Stan's frown deepened.

"Hey, come on," he said, "it'll be okay. Let's just go talk about it somewhere. I'll get Kyle and Kenny-"

The tears erupted, and she had to bite her teeth down to contain a wail. She shut her eyes tightly.

No... No, you can't cry... You can't lose control, not now...!

"Wendy? Wendy!"

"Stan, if you're gonna make your bitchy ex cry, do it somewhere less embarrassing, huh?" Cartman snarked from his locker, "you're such a pussy."

"Fuck you Cartman!" Stan shot back.

"Hey, fuck you and her!" Cartman shot back. "Not my fault she's a fucking emotional wreck!"

Wendy clenched her fists and broke from Stan. She pulled back her fist, as Cartman saw and cringed. He still remembered how hard she'd beaten him up in their elementary school days, but if he was going to be this mouthy, he needed another lesson-!

"Woah! What's up, guys?"

Wendy froze. She turned and stared at the blonde boy in the orange parka. He smiled at her, his face for once uncovered by his hood.

Her jaw dropped as the rest of the world seemed to fade away. She didn't even notice Cartman scurry off with as much dignity as he could manage.

Stan walked up alongside her, and looked between Wendy and Kenny with a frown.

"Kenny, did you do something to upset Wendy?" Stan asked suspiciously. Kenny rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"Ah... Maybe," he said, "I mean, I do check her and the rest of the volleyball team out during practice every day. And when she's jogging. And when she's on the high beam. She sure knows how to handle a big piece of wood-"

Wendy grabbed Kenny by the collar, and dragged him away towards the stairs.

"Make an excuse for us, Stan!" Wendy shouted. Stan gaped after them.

"Wait, wha-?"

"MAKE AN EXCUSE!" She shouted as she hauled Kenny up the steps. Kyle stopped next to Stan, his eyebrows raised.

"Dare I ask what's going on now?" He inquired. Stan shook his head.

"Got me. Let's get to class."

- - -

Breaking onto the roof was no challenge for Wendy, and even in her agitated state she made sure the locks were put back properly so no one would be the wiser. That was the limit of her emotional control though, as she seized the taller Kenny by his shoulders and slammed him against the nearest air conditioner.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" She demanded. Kenny blinked at her.

"What the fuck what?" He asked.

"You know what-!" Wendy unzipped his parka and yanked up his shirt. She felt up his abs, and leaned in to look them over. Not a scar, not a blood splotch, not a trace of the bullets that had killed him. Nothing.

"You know, if you wanted me to strip, you just had to ask-" Kenny tried, but Wendy looked up at him in fury.

"WHY AREN"T YOU DEAD?!" She demanded.

Kenny's jaw dropped. All traces of his previous joviality vanished as he stared at her.

"Wait... You-You remember?" He whispered.

"Of course I remember! I was there! I held you as you died!" Wendy shrieked. "WHO COULD FORGET THAT?!"

Kenny... Immediately wrapped her in a tight hug. Wendy's tirade seemed to shatter, as she felt him nearly sob against her shoulder.

"You... Holy fuck, you remember," Kenny whispered, "holy fuck... I... You remembered this time."

"This... Time?" Wendy asked. "What the hell do you mean, this time?!"

Kenny let out a long sigh. He looked sad, and yet... Almost giddy. It was strange, an unfamiliar look on the usually joking, perverted boy's face.

"I... It's a long story," he managed.

"Then start talking. Now," Wendy ordered.

- - -

They found a crappy bench that someone had chucked on the roof rather than into a dumpster, and sat down. And Kenny... Told her everything.

About the Cthulhu cultist meetings his parents had gone to. About the battles for Heaven and Hell... And Earth. About every time he had ever died. When he was finished, Wendy just sat and stared at him, processing it all. Kenny just sat and stared back, looking almost relieved... But also anxious.

It took her longer than she thought to put together a response.

"That's fucked up."

Kenny grinned.

"Yeah... It is," he said. "I mean, a world of superpowers and monsters and demons and... Well, I'm the immortal one because my parents liked free beer."

Wendy slowly nodded, looking down at her hands. They were on her knees, clenching and unclenching almost involuntarily.

"You believe me?" Kenny asked. Wendy rolled her eyes.

"Kenny, after everything we've been through, how can you ask that?"

Kenny looked taken aback, then shrugged.

"I dunno. I've never... I've never had someone remember it. I wonder if that's a bad sign?"

"I hope not," Wendy said. She gave him a probing look. "I do have one... Main question."

"Yeah?" Kenny asked.

Wendy steeled herself.

"How many times have you died... Because of me?" She asked. Kenny frowned.

"What do you mean, because of you-?"

"I did the count wrong on those men," Wendy said, "and if you hadn't shoved me out of the way-"

Kenny grabbed her hands, and pulled them into his. He leaned forward and looked Wendy right in the eyes. He was serious now-As serious as he was while Mysterion. Like an old man in a younger man's skin. On his youthful face, it seemed... Out of place.

"Wendy, I can die and come back. It doesn't stick for me," Kenny admitted, "but for you, it will. I get second chances-you don't. So as far as I'm concerned? As long as you're still alive at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what happens to me. Because if I die, I'll be fine. You die? ... You won't."

Her heart fluttered in her chest again. Wendy sucked in a deep breath, holding his gaze.

"And... All those other things you said?" She asked softly.

Kenny actually blushed-It was pleasing to Wendy. Usually the perverted kid was the one making everyone else-her included-do that.

"Er, well... I thought you wouldn't remember," he admitted. "Boy, sure glad I died at that kiss."

"... Are you?" Wendy asked quietly. Kenny blinked... Then smiled.

"No. No, not really," he admitted. "... Did you like the kiss?"

"... Yes," she admitted, "but I... I mean, with you dying it was pretty gross-"

Kenny leaned in, and pressed his lips to hers. She froze again, and her eyes slowly closed. He had some experience, more than her, by the way his tongue and lips worked against hers. But Wendy didn't mind.

Finally, Kenny broke the kiss. A thin string of saliva connected their lips, as they both panted for breath with red faces.

"... Better?" Kenny asked.

Wendy couldn't help a little grin.

"... Much."

- - -

Yeah, that just happened. I don't think I'll write more for this, as I've got too many other projects (as usual). But given the majority of South Park fanfiction is just shitty underaged gay melodrama, I thought, what the hey? A crack pairing with superpowers based on "The Fractured But Whole". Why not?

 

[Spartan303]

That was pretty freakin good! Well done AJ.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

- - -

Wendy was at her locker, sorting through her books, when she felt a familiar pair of boobs press up against her back and equally familiar arms wrap around her in a hug.

"So! Someone's in a happy, fulfilling relationship," Bebe chuckled in Wendy's ear. Wendy sighed and shoved her best friend away. Bebe kept smiling as Wendy went back to her books.

"And? What of it?" Wendy asked. The busty blonde's grin grew.

"Well, when were you going to tell me?"

"When I felt like it," Wendy sighed. She shrugged. "It's... A little complicated."

"Judging from the hickeys on your neck, it's not that complicated," Bebe pointed out. Wendy immediately blushed, and adjusted the scarf she had taken to wearing. "Kenny does know his way around your throat. Geez, that sounds weird doesn't it?"

Wendy's blush intensified, and she immediately scanned the nearby hallway for eavesdroppers. Nobody else was paying them mind-Except for Craig, but he couldn't help staring at Bebe when she was playing yuri.

"How did-?" Wendy muttered, but Bebe rolled her eyes.

"Come on Wendy. You two are together all the time," she pointed out. "And you're two reckless crimefighters who are in peak physical health. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner! Especially with the torch he's had for you."

Wendy looked back in her locker, suddenly very busy with arranging her papers. Bebe smirked.

"Have you two made it yet?"

"Bebe!" Wendy hissed. Bebe shrugged.

"I'm just asking!"

"... No, we're... Ya know, taking it slow," Wendy said. Bebe raised her eyebrows.

"Kenny's taking it slow? With you?" She grinned. "Did you ask him that?"

"N-No, we both agreed to it," Wendy replied. Bebe whistled.

"I guess he does like you," she admitted. She smirked. "He couldn't wait to get his hands on me."

"Bebe!" Wendy growled. Bebe took Wendy's hands in her own and chuckled.

"Wendy, relax. He's a horndog, sure, but he's actually a good guy," she said. "I mean, how many of my exes am I on good terms with?"

Wendy paused and thought about it. She looked over at Craig, who shot them a flirty look. Bebe snorted back at him, as Wendy finally answered.

"Just... Kenny," she muttered. She felt a bit depressed, but Bebe patted her shoulders.

"I'm not out to steal him from you. We're friends. But just let me tell you, when you go for it?" Bebe wore a silly grin. "Wow. Just... Wow."

"It... Thanks, I guess," Wendy sighed. Bebe hugged her, and she managed to return it.

"So, why aren't you flaunting him like you did Token?" Bebe asked. Wendy sighed and fished out her math homework.

"I guess it's because... Well... Stan," she admitted. "I mean, given how jealous he got of Kyle and I studying together-"

"Stan's just going to have to grow up, Wendy," Bebe said. "Look, I'm sure if you sit down with him and tell him about it, he'll get over it like he did before."

"Yeah, sure," Wendy said with a hopeful smile, "he'll get over it. We just have to be rational adults about this."

"That, or I can... Distract him for you?" Bebe asked, grinning as she hefted up her boobs. Wendy snorted.

"Do you have to set feminism back a century like that?"

"What? All the Hollywood scientists are hot," Bebe shot back,

"Because of Photoshop!"

"Which I don't need!" Bebe stated.

Wendy scowled. Bebe smirked.

"... You win this round," Wendy muttered. She got out her phone and texted Kenny. "I guess we'll just have to talk it out."

"Good, responsible Wendy," Bebe chuckled.

Wendy shut her locker and headed off with Bebe. Around the corner, a fat young man in a red coat watched them go with narrowed eyes, and a nasty smirk.

- - -

In the school gym, Stan grunted as he pushed the weights up off his chest. Above him, Kyle served as spotter, gently guiding the weights and keeping Stan centered.

"Come on dude, one more, one more!" Kyle encouraged. Stan grit his teeth and pushed, getting the bar up. His muscular arms wobbled a bit, and so Kyle stepped in to take the load off. He put the weights back on the rack, and Stan took deep breaths as he laid on the bench.

"Not bad," Kyle said with a grin, "you beat your old record!"

"Yeah," Stan said with a nod, "haa..." He sat up, and took the offered water gratefully. He guzzled it down as Kyle stood by in silence. Stan frowned at his best friend, and then followed his gaze over to the heavy bag.

Kenny was punching and kicking it hard, practicing his usual acrobatic stunts with flip kicks and spin strikes. He was working up a sweat, as usual. Stan frowned in confusion, and looked over at Kyle.

"Dude?" He asked.

"Haven't you noticed?" Kyle asked. Stan frowned and studied Kenny a bit more thoroughly.

Kenny paused in his practice, looked over at Stan and Kyle, and grinned. He waved happily, before resuming his exercise.

"The fact he's... Overwhelmingly, disgustingly happy, dude?" Kyle asked. Stan shrugged.

"Kenny's usually pretty happy go lucky, dude."

"Yeah but not nauseatingly so," Kyle grimaced. Stan shrugged again, sipping from his water bottle before answering.

"Probably just means he got laid again," Stan muttered.

"Yeah, but if that's the case, why isn't he telling us all about it?" Kyle asked. Stan grimaced.

"What, you're complaining about him not bragging?"

"It's just a little weird, that's all," Kyle admitted.

"Welcome to South Park, been here long?" Stan asked sarcastically. "I mean, Jesus has a public access television show, there's an Eldritch abomination under the police station, and we literally have superpowers."

"Yeah yeah," Kyle sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"Superpowers you guys aren't training," Kenny pointed out. Both Stan and Kyle jumped, and looked up. Kenny was now behind them, with a cheeky grin, as he drank his own water.

"Dude, that's seriously creepy," Stan pointed out. Kenny shrugged.

"Not my fault I'm so awesome at sneaking around," he said. Kyle sighed.

"I'd like to practice more, but my mom's being a hawk ever since I started dating Heidi," Kyle admitted. "If she knew I was a superhero-For real I mean-"

"Typical Kyle, your bitch mom runs your life," Cartman sneered, as he walked into the gym. Kyle scowled at his frienemy.

"At least we're actually exercising unlike you, lardass!"

"Ay! I exercise plenty! When you're not around," Cartman shot back. Kenny's phone beeped, and he looked down at it. He shook his head.

"Gotta go," he said. "We'll set up some training later this week. For all of you," he added.

"Ay! Since when are you the boss of Coon and Friends?" Cartman demanded. Kenny smirked.

"Since the Freedom Pals busted you and you have to do what we say, or we put you back in real jail?" Kenny hissed in his Mysterion voice. Cartman turned red in anger... But just nodded. "Good."

Kenny headed off. Kyle raised an eyebrow.

"You're being oddly cooperative, Cartman," Kyle pointed out.

"Let's just say I know how to be a bro sometimes too," Cartman stated. He looked to Stan. "For instance... I know something you don't about Wendy."

Stan tensed up.

"Like what, fatass?" Stan shot back. Cartman shook his head sadly.

"No, no, I can't reveal it. It's too terrible-"

"You're just lying then, as usual," Kyle snorted. Cartman shot him a look.

"Oh? Am I?" Cartman asked. "Tell ya what, Stan. You go check the roof. If there's nothing goin' on, I'll give you my Xbox. If there is? I get your Xbox."

Stan stared at Cartman.

"Seriously?" He asked.

"As serious as my XBox," Cartman confirmed.

"Don't do it dude, it's a bluff," Kyle advised.

"Can you take that chance, Stan?" Cartman asked. "You know something's up with Wendy... And Kenny."

Stan's eyes narrowed as he rose to his feet.

"You take that back."

"Would if I could," Cartman said, shrugging, "offer stands. Clock is ticking!"

Stan scowled at Cartman.

"You suck, fatass," he said.

"And what's Wendy sucking right now?" Cartman asked.

Stan growled.

"Fine... I'll take the bet. Just to get your Xbox," he stated.

"Fine by me!" Cartman jeered.

"Fine!" Stan shot back.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Stan glowered at Cartman again... Before he headed off with a muttered 'goddamnit'. Kyle glared at Cartman.

"What the hell are you up to now, fatass?"

"Trying to be a good friend, Kyle," Cartman sniffed, "something you don't know anything about! With how you stole Heidi from me-"

Kyle grabbed Cartman's collar and glared death into his eyes.

"I get that you have to rewrite reality to suit your delusions, so let me make this perfectly clear: Heidi dumped you for being a manipulative sociopath. We're very happy together. And if you talk more shit about us, I'm gonna beat you worse than Wendy did."

Cartman cringed.

"... Noted," he managed.

Kyle sighed and let Cartman go.

"Why are we even friends again, fatass?"

"Because you swore an oath of friendship after we saved the world," Cartman retorted. Kyle groaned.

"Why'd I do that?"

"Cause we're gonna be friends forever! Heheheheheheheh, hahahahaha!"

"Shut up."

"Best friends foreverrrr~!"

"I hate you."

"Love you too, best buddy!"

"GET ON THE TREADMILL, FATASS!"

"Ugh, fine," Cartman whined as he trudged to the machine. "Love you too."

"Fuck off."

- - -

Stan tried to rationalize things as he walked up the stairs to the roof of the school. He didn't actually believe Cartman, of course not. He was doing this to get a new Xbox. That's all.

Besides, he and Wendy were off. What did it matter if she was dating someone? Especially one of his best friends, Kenny? They'd be good together.

Not that they were dating. No, they totally weren't. They couldn't be.

The door to the roof was locked, but his power over tools made it easy enough to unlock. He opened the door, just a crack...

Kenny and Wendy were on the roof. On a bench. Talking.

His grip tightened on the door.

"They're just talking, that's all," he muttered.

Wendy sighed and looked up at the sky. Kenny gave her an encouraging smile.

"Come on Wendy. We... Do we have to tell him now?" Kenny asked.

"Bebe knows. How soon until everyone else does?" Wendy asked. "He should hear it from us."

Kenny sighed, and leaned back on the bench.

"You know, there are a few ways we could keep her quiet," Kenny suggested with a grin. Wendy snorted.

"We're not having a threesome with her."

"It's on your mind~," Kenny teased. Wendy flushed.

"Only because you put it there!"

"Sure, I did," Kenny replied. Wendy sighed and leaned into Kenny's embrace.

"You absolute pervert," Wendy muttered. Kenny grinned.

"And you love me for it," he said... Before he planted a big kiss on her lips.

Stan's jaw dropped. He was moving forward in an instant, and tripping over a step in shock. Both Kenny and Wendy looked over. Their eyes widened. Stan stared back at them.

"... Stan, uh," Wendy tried.

"It's... Kind of what it looks like," Kenny tried too.

Bebe emerged from behind an air conditioner, pouting at Stan.

"Damnit Stan, I was gonna watch!" She growled.

Stan sighed, slapped a hand over his face, and turned to walk down the steps. He ignored Wendy and Kenny's calls.

"... Fucking Cartman. Now I owe him my Xbox," he muttered.

- - -

Once again, everyone's legal age. Teenaged drama, blah blah blah. Goddamnit, my stupid fucking muse...

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Anyway, since my muse isn't done being a teenager, I suggest you watch this video first before you read the following chapter.



- - -

Stan brought his car to a stop just outside of his house, and leaned back in his seat. He stared up at the weathered ceiling of his old Subaru and just glared up into the abyss.

He didn't want to go inside-He'd have to explain to his mom why he wasn't at school. He didn't want to go anywhere. He just wanted to stew and be alone.

"Hey Stan!"

"Ah!" He jumped and looked out the window. A cute redheaded girl with a cat-shaped hat stood there, smiling at him. She was slim but athletic looking, and her hair was long and slightly messy. She was part Japanese, especially around the eyes

He struggled to recall her name. They'd gone on some fishing trips... Played some as kids...

"Samantha?" He finally managed.

"Hey!" She beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here? School's still in session," Stan pointed out. Samantha shrugged.

"Eh, my classes for the rest of the day got canceled, so I decided to just chill out," she said. She leaned forward, concerned. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Fine," Stan grunted, glaring at his car wheel. Samantha tilted her head curiously. It was kind of cute with her cat eared-hood, but Stan wasn't in the mood for cute.

"... Wanna talk about it?" She ventured.

"No," Stan grumbled.

"Okay. Can I sit here with you then?" Sam asked. Stan sighed, and unlocked the passenger side door. Samantha beamed and walked around, opening the door and sliding into the seat. She shut the door, and perched on the seat edge with a happy smile. Stan kept scowling out at the street.

"... So, my mom's teaching Japanese at the community college now," Sam started, "so she's happy. My sister's off to college-She's really liking Adams State! I dunno about college, I'm thinking of trade school or something. Maybe be a nurse. Nursing would be fun. What are you thinking of after high school?"

"... Air Force," Stan grunted. "Or Space Force."

"Wow! That's really cool, Stan!" Sam enthused. "I bet you'll do great!"

"Sure," Stan grumbled. Sam nodded.

"I heard they've got this microwave emitter that can fry satellites! Wouldn't it be cool to shoot one of those? Pew pew!"

"Yeah. Super cool," Stan sighed.

"What's new with you?" Sam asked. "I mean, I kind of lost track of you after the divorce and all."

Stan grunted.

"Yeah. My mom's staff manager at the plastic surgery clinic. My dad's running his farm. Shelly's off at college," he iterated dully.

"You still hanging out with your friends?" Sam asked. Stan sighed heavily, and Sam winced. "Sorry."

"It's... Fine," Stan managed. Sam hummed, and then smiled brightly.

"I've never actually seen a pot farm before. If you're not doing anything... Could you take me up to see it?"

Stan grumbled a bit.

"If you don't want to, I understand," Sam said, "I know you and your dad... Um... Yeah. Sorry I asked."

"It's fine," Stan said, turning the ignition key, "I want an excuse to get out of here."

"You're welcome," Sam said.

- - -

Tegridy Farms looked about the same as it ever did-Sparkling and pristine. Stan would give his father that much-His obsession with pot at least let him maintain a decent looking farm. He pulled up on bare dirt in front of the farmhouse alongside a black Mercedes sedan and a big Ford truck. Sam got out ahead of him. She started flitting about, looking at everything with eager eyes.

"Wow! He handles the whole farm by himself?!" She gasped. Stan got out, his hands in his pockets.

"No, he has hired workers," Stan grunted. Sam flitted over to him, beaming happily. Despite his bad mood, he let her wrap her hands around his arm.

"Does he have any animals?" She asked.

"Some cows and chickens," Stan muttered, "I dunno-"

"STAN!"

Stan looked up. His father Randy stood on the porch with a concerned expression. His father was going a bit more gray, but he still carried himself with that strange swagger of his.

"Hey Dad," Stan sighed, "I'm just-"

"I know, Stan," Randy said with a nod. Stan blinked up at him. "You and your friend can come in."

"Yay!" Sam cheered.

Stan followed his father into the farmhouse, Sam still clinging to his arm. He stopped short in the kitchen when he saw who was at the table, sipping some tea. His eyes narrowed.

"Cartman?" He demanded.

"Hey Stan," the fat teenager replied, "just visiting your dad. Hey Sam."

"Hey Eric," Sam said cheerfully. "Been a while! How are you doing?"

"Oh, fine, fine," Cartman returned, the picture of cordiality. Stan's scowl deepened. Randy poured them some tea, but also procured two cans of beer. He sat at the table, as Stan and Sam sat down too. They all had tea, while Randy sipped his beer.

"Eric's been coming over to help me with my marketing," Randy said cheerfully, "he's been great at helping me get Tegridy out! Our sales have never been higher!" He grinned. "I helped him get his car!"

"Just dropped by to show it off, and thank Mister Marsh for helping me," Cartman simpered. Stan's glare intensified, but Sam's touch on his arm gave him pause.

"That's... Nice," he managed.

"And Sam? How are you? You dating my boy?" Randy asked cheerfully. Sam blushed and shook her head.

"Oh no! We're just catching up!" She said. "He's playing hooky, and so am I."

"Sam!" Stan admonished, but Randy just chuckled.

"Ah, I get it," he said. "No worries Stan. I understand." He looked at Cartman. "Hey Eric? Can you show Sam around the farm? I think a girl this pretty deserves a tour."

"Certainly, Mister Marsh," Cartman returned with a smile. He offered his hand to Sam. Sam looked over at Stan in concern... But Stan shrugged. He didn't know what his father had up his sleeve but he was hoping the sooner they got through it, the sooner it would be over.

"Sure thing, Eric," Sam said. "Thank you Mister Marsh!"

"Please, call me Randy, both of you," Randy said with a smile. Cartman chuckled.

"I don't think I can get used to that, Mister Marsh-Er, Randy," he said. He gave Stan a concerned look, and patted his shoulder. "Dude, just remember: I"m here for you... And your Xbox."

"Fuck you Cartman," Stan muttered back. Cartman laughed, patted his shoulder again, and headed out with the still concerned Sam. When the door shut, Randy pushed the beer over to Stan. Stan stared at his father for a moment, but then took the can, cracked it open, and drank some down. He made a face.

"Ugh. Still tastes like shit."

"You get used to it," Randy said, sipping his own beer. "Now: I heard you had some trouble with Wendy?"

"I-!" Stan grit his teeth, and glared at the table. "Yeah..." He drank more beer, the burn now more satisfying. "I can't believe Kenny would... Would do such a thing! I thought he was my friend!"

Randy nodded sagely. "Yeah, Eric told me everything," he said.

"You really shouldn't trust him, Dad. He is a manipulative sociopath. I mean, what's he really been doing here?" Stan asked. Randy gave him a wry look.

"You sure haven't shown much interest in what I've been doing lately," he pointed out, "but he has."

Stan winced, and drank more beer. A warmth filled his body.

"I'm sorry Dad," Stan said. Randy sighed.

"I know I haven't been doing as well as I should, what with the restraining order and the divorce and the time I destroyed the town-"

"Times, plural," Stan snorted. Randy ignored this.

"But I am still your father, and I'm here for you, son," Randy said. Stan sighed, staring at the beer can.

"This is just... So much more personal," he admitted, "they both... Lied to me! Didn't tell me a thing!"

"Hm," Randy nodded, "you know, I was in a similar situation once."

Stan pulled more beer, and set down his can. He looked at his father curiously, even as his cheeks burned red.

"Uh huh?"

"With your mom, actually," Randy said. "Some big guy tried to take her, and I ran off in despair. My dad saw that, and you know what he said to me?"

"What did Grandpa say?" Stan asked.

Randy slammed his fist on the table, shaking it. Stan barely saved his beer, and Randy took another mighty swig of his own beer. He slammed it down, wiped the foam from his mustache, and glared.

"'You're gonna lose her if you mope around like a little pussy! So why not try and fight for her? Win her back? Worst case scenario, ya get beat up and your ass kicked in front of everyone! Best case scenario, you whoop his ass and win her back! What's it gonna be?!'"

Stan's eyes widened.

"So what'd you do?" Stan asked.

"I did exactly as your grandpa told me," Randy said with a nod, "I went back to that guy, and kicked his ass in front of everybody!" He paused. "After a few more beers. Then I won your mom back."

"And now you're divorced," Stan pointed out. Randy nodded.

"Yeah, we are," he said, "but we had a wonderful life together. We had you two kids. We had so many happy moments, and might have more happy moments in the future. Do you really want to just... Give that up? Without a fight?"

Stan stared at his father. He stared at his beer. He then tipped the beer up and guzzled the rest of it down with a loud swallow. He then grabbed his father's beer, and drank it all down too. He stood up, and wiped his mouth. He then closed his eyes, and concentrated.

- - -

Outside, Sam was already bored with Cartman's explanations about the Jewish bankers ruining his plans for financial domination. They were passing by the barn, when there was a rumble and a flash of light. Sam started, and her eyes widened as several power tools and accessories flew out of the barn towards the house.

"What the hell?!" Sam cried. Cartman smirked.

"Yes, yes, all is going according to plan," he chuckled.

- - -

The tools flew through the windows, glowing with awesome power. They flew to Stan, and covered him in glowing light. When it faded, he was dressed in a white T-shirt, yellow safety goggles, work gloves, jeans, work boots, and a toolbelt covered in everything a general contractor would want. He held up a power drill, and orange and blue lightning crackled from the bit.

"Hell no," Toolshed growled, "Kenny? You're going fucking down."

"That's the spirit, son!" Randy cheered.

Sam burst into the farmhouse kitchen minutes later-Just in time to hear Stan's car start up. She ran out to the porch and saw Stan's Subaru tearing out of the farm driveway and onto the country road.

"STAN!" She screamed. "STAN!"

She turned to see Cartman chuckling evilly. Sam glared in anger.

"What the hell is going on?!"

"The Freedom Pals have been making me go to the gym every week as part of my 'parole'," Cartman stated, making mocking finger quotations, "and this has taken out time I would rather spend doing other things! Such as playing video games, sleeping, and eating! So, I gained the trust of Stan's father to gain money. I bought this car with it. But still, even with this magnificent Mercedes, I was denied my sleeping time!"

He then chuckled evilly again, his cheeks rumbling in twisted delight.

"So, when I saw that Kenny and Wendy had fallen for eachother, I arranged for you to run into Stan by making two of your classes cancelled! A mere trifle. I knew you would run into Stan and that you would want to see Tegridy Farms, based on your Facebook posts about farms and 'how farms are kewl' lol. Stan could not resist! So you brought Stan here, where his father Randy would set him into a drunken rage with his Tegridy brew-Beer made with meth and pot! Thus dividing the Freedom Pals in another Civil War, and ensuring..."

Here Cartman stood dramatically.

"That I would never have to go to the gym, ever again!"

Sam stared at him for a long moment. She then kicked him in the balls, making the big teenager go down with a cry.

"AHHHH!"

"Seriously, you put in all that work just to be lazy?" Sam muttered, as she rummaged around in Cartman's jacket, "you're a dick!"

"AW! MY DICK! YOU BITCH!" Cartman groaned. Sam grabbed Cartman's cellphone.

"How do I unlock it?" She demanded.

"Ha! Not telling you!" Cartman mocked. Sam kicked him in the balls again. "AAAUUUGH! OKAY OKAY! 1234!"

Sam inputted the pin number, and searched out Stan's cellphone listing. She called.

"Stan? Stan, can you hear me?!" She demanded.

Randy walked into the living room, holding up a ringing cellphone.

"Aw crap, Stan forgot his phone," Randy sighed. "Hey Eric, can you return it to him...?" He blinked. "What's going on?"

"Nothing! We're going to return Stan's phone!" Sam shouted. She grabbed Cartman and dragged the fatass to his feet. "LET'S GO!"

"Why should I-OKAY OKAY!" Cartman managed, as Sam raised her foot threateningly, "okay! I'll drive!"

Randy blinked.

"Say, you aren't into my son too, are you?" Randy asked.

Sam blushed furiously.

"I... Um..."

"Way to go Stan!" Randy cheered, "two girls! That's my boy!"

"Yeah sure whatever, LET'S GO!" Sam shouted, shoving Cartman towards the door.

"Seriously, this is so weak," Cartman muttered.

- - -

And I'm even including an OC. God, what have I done?

 

[Typhonis]

I'm tempted to port some of the New Kid Homecoming chapters over here.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

In the aftermath of the Marsh family divorce, Randy Marsh was in a pot induced stupor. He just stared at his laptop and watched cute kitty videos. Then, there was a knock at the farmhouse door. He ignored it... Even as it continued... Before finally, whoever was knocking gave up. Randy nodded in approval... Then he heard his window being forced open.

"Urk... Ugh... Goddamnit... Fucking balls...!" The intruder fell over onto the floor, hard. "FUCK! SHIT!"

"Just don't take the TV, the pot or the beer," Randy moaned, "and it'll be cool."

"Ugh! Goddamnit!" The form of Eric Cartman resolved itself in his vision. He scowled angrily.

"Goddamnit I'm not a robber, jackass!"

"Oh. Hey Eric," Randy murmured. He took another drag from his doobie, "you want to buy some pot?"

"Ugh, no, I'm here to tell you," Cartman scowled as Randy looked back at his screen, and shut the lid of the laptop, "to TELL YOU that you gotta get your shit together!"

"Huh?" Randy asked, blinking.

"You might have given up on life. But I haven't given up on you, asshole!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Why?" Randy asked. Cartman looked aside.

"Truth be told, growing up without a dad was tough. I envied what you and Stan had, ya know? And you were actually... Kind of kewl. To me. Sometimes."

Randy sniffles a bit. "Really? I'm... Kewl?"

"Totally," Cartman confirmed. "And I want to help you out with your farm!"

Randy frowned, suspicious.

"Out of the goodness of your heart? That doesn't sound like you."

"Normally, no, but it is!" Cartman insisted. Randy continued to stare blankly, and Cartman fidgeted. He then heaved a sigh.

"And I wanna make money to buy a Mercedes," he admitted. Randy continued to stare. Cartman blushed and scowled, clenching his fists. "To impress a girl I think is hot!"

"What girl?" Randy pressed.

"Oh come on-!"

"What girl?"

Cartman groaned loudly, and blushed. He muttered something. Randy frowned.

"What was that-?"

"YOUR DAUGHTER OKAY?!" Cartman shouted. "Ever since she got her dental thing removed and dumped that poor McCormick asshole she's... Hot! Also how she rags on Stan and Kyle! Okay?!"

Randy hummed thoughtfully.

"But you don't want my pot or beer... Right?"

"Right!" Cartman confirmed. "And. Well... If Stan is just gonna abandon you, not seeing how kewl you are... Why can't I be there for you instead?"

Randy was silent for a while. He looked around his house,, bare of any family photos now. There was only piles of snack wrappers, beer cans, and Bob Marley posters.

Randy slowly nodded.

"Ya know Eric... I can respect your honesty. Maybe I can be the father you need. Maybe... We can both be what the other needs."

He stood up, and Cartman winced at the sight of the middle aged man in nothing but his tighty whiteys.

Randy put his hand on Cartman's shoulder with a big smile.

"Let's get to work, huh? Eric?"

"Sure, Mister Marsh," Eric said kindly.

"Call me Randy," he said.

"Bingo," Cartman muttered, grinning evilly as Randy looked away.

The middle aged man then bent over, and Cartman shut his eyes with a shudder.

"First things first, Eric: Help me find my pants?"

"It'll all be worth it, it'll all be worth it," Cartman muttered to himself, "sure thing, Mister Marsh!"

- - -

Brief flashback before the main event.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

- - -

Wendy could have tracked Stan down easily, but Kenny had suggested they just give him some time.

"The worst that will happen is he dates a Raisins girl or goes goth again," Kenny had said wisely, "and it helps Henrietta thinks he's hot."

That did mollify her fears a bit, but they needed something more. Something cathartic.

And thankfully, South Park was willing to provide an emergency to deal with.

A fire had broken out at South Park Elementary, and it was the perfect emergency for Call Girl and Mysterion to respond to. They arrived quickly, and jumped over the fence to the smoke filled school.

Wendy went to work with her hacking, and analyzed her findings as she flipped through multiple channels of information at lightning speed.

"Fire started in home economics, security cameras show it hit some oily rags from shop and it's spreading," she said. "Emergency sprinklers aren't turning on!"

"Great, the union's been embezzling again," Mysterion grunted.

"Looks like the kids in a class room on the second floor are trapped," Wendy said. Mysterion nodded, and hefted his grappling hook. He tossed it up into one of the windows.

"You get the sprinklers going, I'll get the kids out," he ordered.

"Roger," she said. She paused for a moment, touching his arm. "Be careful. Please."

Mysterion flashed her a smile.

"Promise," he said, before he swung up and climbed rapidly. He dashed through the smoke, pulling on a gas mask. Courtesy of Call Girl, his phone pointed him in the right direction through all the smoke. He grabbed a fire extinguisher on the way there. He held his cape up as he dashed through some flames, skidding to a halt in front of a burning pile of debris blocking a door. He could hear kids screaming and beating against the door. He got to the window, and looked inside. Several kids all waved their arms, and screamed. Their teacher, an old man, was trying to keep them calm.

"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND COVER YOUR EARS!" Kenny shouted through his mask. He pounded on the door, and repeated his order. The kids seemed to get the message, backing away to the other side of the classroom. Kenny rummaged in his belt pouches, and pulled out a homemade bomb. It wasn't very sophisticated, but it should do the job. He attached it to the pile of debris, and ran for cover. He then pulled out a rocket kit remote trigger, and pushed down on the button.

KABOOM!

A hole was ripped open in the door, scattering the debris. Kenny ran in, and raised his voice so the kids could hear him.

"EVERYONE! GO! DOWN THE STAIRS!" He shouted. He used his extinguisher as best he could, spraying the flames ahead of him to provide a path. The kids soon followed, keeping their heads down and coughing. The old man struggled a bit, before he collapsed. Kenny caught him.

"N-No, leave me! My ankle's broken! Get the kids out!" The old man begged. "Stop screwing around!"

"No can do, sir," Mysterion replied. He hefted the man up over his shoulders into a fireman's carry, and staggered through the door. He headed out, following the kids. The last one had just started down the stairs... When another part of the roof collapsed in front of them. Mysterion fell back onto one knee, and covered the teacher with his cape. The floor rumbled and groaned. Mysterion looked up and saw the way down the stairs was completely blocked.

"Fuck," he muttered. He helped the old man back up, and tried for another classroom. More of the ceiling was falling as they did, but Kenny could see sunlight through the windows.

Just a little further... A little further...!

An air conditioning unit fell through the weakened roof, and Myterion threw the old man clear as it landed on his leg. He bit back a scream of agony-His leg wasn't broken, but he was pinned. And the old man was struggling nearby.

Damnit, damnit... damnit...! Why won't anyone else get here?! Lazy fucks! Mysterion though angrily. Sure, he would be fine, but the old man...

An orange energy drill, as big around as a beachball, blasted through the wall and the AC unit. Mysterion felt it give, and he pulled himself free. He got to the old man, hefted him up, and sprinted for the window. He threw his trusty grappling hook onto one of the window frames, and jumped just as the rest of the floor gave way!

He caught his rope, and slammed his feet into the side wall of the building. His muscles screamed, his arms ached-The old man was screaming bloody murder. They slammed into the grass outside the front lawn, and Kenny went into a roll to kill any potentially lethal inertia. He and the old man tumbled, hard. He laid on his back in the grass, breathing and coughing hard for a moment. He got up, and checked on the old man.

He was groaning loudly, but his pulse was steady (if fast). Mysterion saw some EMTs running towards them, and decided it was time to go. He headed off as fast as he could, just as the water sprinklers went off and doused the flames. He hopped over the fence to a nearby tree... Where Call Girl was waiting. She immediately hugged him tightly, and kissed him. He returned it happily.

"Mwah... You okay?" He asked.

"Me? I'm fine! Took forever to get the plumbing running again," she said, "what was that orange blast?"

A car screeched to a halt nearby, and they both looked over. A familiar Subaru was running, its driver's side window down. The door opened, and Toolshed, aka Stan Marsh, got out. Mysterion grinned.

"Wow dude... Hell of a shot," Mysterion said. "I owe you one-"

Toolshed threw a screwdriver, and it shot at him like a bullet! Mysterion took the hit right in his chest, and staggered back as Wendy gaped.

"Toolshed?! What the fuck?!" Call Girl shouted.

"I missed him the last time," Toolshed snarled, holding up his power drill, "I won't this time."

The shot had hurt, but the kevlar armor plate on his chest (Wendy had insisted on it) had prevented it from going all the way through. That said, it was clear Stan was not playing around. To which there was only one thing to really say.

"... Well... Shit," Kenny muttered.

- - -

Toolshed was, in Mysterion's estimation, one of the strongest of the Freedom Pals. Not to mention one of the most flexible: He could hit at close range, hit at long range, and had great strength. Stan was also very tough. Maybe because of his training, maybe because of his powers-Mysterion wasn't entirely sure.

That said, Mysterion knew his teammates very well. So while he was surprised over Stan deciding to go nuts like this, he wasn't surprised for long.

He dropped a smoke bomb, and when he heard Stan activate his blower, he dashed through the smoke. He leaped up, and threw his momentum into a punch right into Stan's face.

"Thought I was going to feint, didn't ya?" Mysterion taunted as Stan fell back, his yellow safety goggles broken and falling to the ground. Stan looked back up-And Mysterion and Call Girl both gasped.

His eyes were blood red, his pupils large and dilated. The veins in his neck and across his forehead were pulsing dangerously.

"Stan, what the fuc-?!"

"YOU CAN'T TAKE HER FROM ME!" Stan roared, blood pouring from his nostrils. He unleashed another massive drill blast, and Wendy and Kenny threw themselves out of the way. Call Girl rolled behind a tree, as Mysterion threw firecrackers at Stan.

"Come on Stan! After me! You want me, right?!" Mysterion shouted. He ran and leaped up over the fence into the elementary school playground. As he hopped over the fence, a circular saw slash cut the chain link apart. Mysterion landed in a hard roll, transitioning back to a run across the asphalt. He hoped to get to the swing sets before Stan caught up-But five orange drills shot up out of the ground in front of him. He nearly lost his right foot as he flipped backwards, away from the deadly drill bits.

"Mysterion!"

He pressed his fingers against his earpiece as he turned around to face the spazzing Toolshed.

"Call Girl?"

"I hacked into Stan's Fitbit-His pulse is racing! HIs blood pressure is going crazy! His signals are nuts-He can't take this for long!"

"Oh shit," Kenny muttered. "What the fuck did you take, Stan?!"

"SHUT UP!" Toolshed roared, throwing a hail of screwdrivers and other tools. Mysterion threw firecrackers back, dodging as fast as he could. More screwdrivers slashed across his legs and shoulders.

"The readings are just like my dad's when he tried that fucking Tegridy beer-Oh goddamnit," Wendy sighed.

"Fuck," Kenny agreed. "My dad went fucking apeshit on it!"

"Hang on!" Wendy cried. "I have an idea!"

Wendy ran up behind Stan and launched herself at him, slamming her escrima sticks into Stan's back. Stan roared and swung a crowbar back at Wendy. She blocked the blow with her sticks, but he cut clean through them!

"Oh shit," Wendy shouted. She rammed a kick up into Stan's stomach, but he lashed out with the crowbar again. She barely blocked it with her gauntlets, as Kenny tackled and locked Stan in a chokehold.

"Damnit Stan... We're trying... To help you...!" Kenny shouted.

"STOP... TAKING... EVERYTHING FROM ME!" Stan shouted back, gritting his teeth so hard it was audible.

"This won't win me back, Stan! STOP IT!" Wendy yelled, sliding past Stan's crowbar to ram an elbow into his solar plexus. He staggered back, and then rammed his drill down into the ground. The asphalt erupted around them, and the ground gave way. Kenny held onto Stan for dear life as they fell into an underground cavern. Wendy screamed as she fell in, grabbing onto the edge of the hole to keep from following below.

Kenny groaned as he stood up out of the rubble.

"Goddamnit, why are there so many damn underground caverns in this fucking town?" Kenny muttered. He looked around at the pipes, wires, and cables all over the cavern. "Shit, so many utilities-"

And Stan erupted out of the rubble, a quickly cobbled together powered exoskeleton now encasing his body. He roared in rage as he threw his machine enhanced arms up into the air, and pointed his power drill at Wendy. Kenny's eyes widened.

"STAN DON'T!" Kenny shouted, leaping up and grabbing onto Stan's drill arm. "DUDE! THIS ISN'T YOU!"

"I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT!" Stan roared, blood pouring from his eyes. Kenny's own blood dripped onto his face. "I LOSE EVERYTHING! I MESS UP EVERYTHING! I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! EVERYTHING'S... EVERYTHING'S...!"

Stan's heartbeat was so loud Kenny could hear it. The guy... He was going to kill himself. Because of his fucking dad. Because of fucking Cartman.

Because of him.

Well... There was one way to resolve this.

"Trust me dude, take it from someone who knows," Mysterion said gently, "there's always a second chance! Don't do it! Don't be an asshole!"

"YOU TOOK IT FROM ME!!" Stan shouted, powering up his ultimate.

"STAN! DON'T!" Wendy shouted from above.

"FULL BORE!" Stan shouted.

Kenny swung himself up and took the full blast of the gigantic, superpowered energy drill. Stan's bloodshot eyes widened in horror as the expanding drill-shaped energy blast ripped through Mysterion.

"OH GOD KENNY!" Stan shouted, realization blasting through him like his ultimate strike.

Mysterion managed a smile just before his body was torn to bits.

"Problem... Solved..."

The only scream that was louder than Wendy's... Was Stan's.

- - -

The world was fire and chaos. His body and mind raged like an inferno. He was in pieces connected by threads of flames. He could see Wendy shrieking at him. He could see Kyle land nearby, his face filled with disbelief.

"Stan? STAN! What happened?!"

He was standing with Kyle in another place and time, when they were younger. His parents were divorced again, and Kyle and Cartman had opened their own burger stand. He had been so depressed from turning 10, he had taken to the bottle and violence. But in that moment, with Kyle, he had found peace.

"The future is bright and full of possibilities!" He had said that. He remembered.

Then his father showed up again, getting back together with his mom. She had explained sadly that when you got older "sometimes it's best to stick with what you know."

Kyle and Cartman's business failed (something about Ass Burgers). Everything went back to the same, inescapable grind.

There was no way out. There was no way out.

Save one.

Stan coughed up blood as he laughed. He laughed maniacally as the world became terribly clear.

"St-Stan? What happened?!" Kyle tried. Stan just grinned.

"I killed him! I killed Kenny," he laughed.

Kyle's eyes widened in horror as he hovered above Stan. Wendy moved forward, cautious in the open pit.

"You-you didn't-!" She tried, but Stan's laughter grew louder and angrier.

"I KILLED KENNY!" He roared. He locked eyes with Kyle. "You know what that makes me?!"

"A-You-" Kyle tried, but Stan beat him to it.

"A BASTARD! JUST LIKE MY DAD!" Stan roared, unleashing a barrage from a nail gun. Wendy barely got behind a pile of rubble for cover, while Kyle took some shots as he flew upwards.

"STAN! STOP! IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE TEGRIDY-!" Wendy cried.

"No! NO!" Stan shouted, "I finally figured it out! I learned something today! It doesn't matter what I do! It doesn't matter what I try! MY FATE IS SEALED! I'll be just like my dad! A lying, uncaring, murderous piece of SHIT WHO RUINS EVERYTHING!"

Kyle fired his eye lasers, but Stan pulled up some pipes to absorb the shot. Wendy threw some cellphones at him, her eyepiece glowing as she linked into them.

"PHONE DESTROYER!" They sang, detonating in sequence. The smoke cleared, revealing a wall of wires and pipes that had encased Stan. He emerged, hyperventilating as blood ran from his eyes and nose.

"STAN! STOP IT!" Wendy shouted, "YOU'RE DYING! IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

"STAN! LISTEN TO HER!" Kyle shouted, diving to try and grab his best friend, "STOP THIS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!"

A drill blast greeted Kyle, and he was grazed in his dodge. He slammed hard into the dirt, tumbling into the wall.

"That's what I want," Stan gasped, "that's what I deserve!"

Then... Maybe the cycle would end.

- - -

Arriving at the Pearly Gates was usually pretty peaceful. It would fill Kenny with a divine peace and tranquility.

However, as he landed at the entrance, he was in no mood for inner peace.

"Jesus, I need-!" Kenny began, but the Son of God smoothly interrupted him.

"I know. The use of that 'ultimate move', correct?"

Kenny blinked. "How did you-?"

Jesus just stared, and Kenny coughed.

"Right. Stupid question. Can I use it?!"

"Normally you would need to fill up the Ultimate bar and wait for your turn," Jesus began. Kenny blinked and tilted his head.

"Wut?"

"But in this case, I believe we can make an exception," Jesus said. He shook his head sadly. "However, to do it in this way incurs a great price."

Kenny was silent, before he nodded grimly.

"To save my friends, I'll pay it. Is... Is it something like selling my love for Wendy?"

Jesus scoffed.

"Please. That's stupid and it always will be. No, the price is, like much of life, in the consequences of fulfilling the request. First? It will be very painful to force a resurrection like this. Using the divine power of God and Creation on someone bearing the curse of the Eldritch Abominations is always tricky."

"For the sake of my friends, I can handle anything!" Kenny declared. Jesus nodded.

"And second? ... The results will ensure that a flood of terrible anime-esque fanart of you with angel wings will flood the internet, drawn by very lonely girls."

Kenny frowned, and contemplated that.

"... Will I be hot in any of this fanart?"

Jesus held back a sigh through long practice.

"... Yes."

"Good enough for me!" Kenny cried. He threw his arms apart. "Go for it, Jesus!"

Jesus nodded. A large, muscular spirit with a divine halo and angel wings emerged from the Son of God, and towered over the shocked immortal.

"Very well! HOLY GHOST! DO IT!" Jesus shouted as he posed dramatically.

Kenny got his mouth working again.

"Wait, is that a Jojo reference-?!"

"TETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAITETELESTAI!" The Holy Ghost roared, hitting Kenny's soul with hundreds of punches! The divine power of God filled Kenny's soul, and a final punch sent him rocketing back to Earth

"HOLY SHIT IT WAAAAAASSSSS...!" Kenny's cry echoed back. Jesus smirked after the immortal.

"Language!"

- - -

Sam hadn't trusted Cartman to drive, so she'd driven his car herself. And she didn't know the way back, and Cartman was no help. She would have used her phone, but every time she tried Cartman tried to grab the wheel. And kicking him in the balls wasn't as easy while driving.

It had to be a manual transmission.

So it was hell just getting to South Park Elementary, and by the time they did, there was already a police cordon around it as lasers and explosions went off in the playground area. Cartman smirked nastily at her.

"Well well! Looks like we're too late! Civil War 3, bitch! Now whatcha gonna do, huh? Huh?"

Sam looked around for something, anything... And spotted an empty auto carrier truck, with the ramp down. She raised her eyebrows, and smiled.

"How good is the crash rating for this car?" She asked sweetly as she put it into gear. Cartman snorted.

"Five star of course-Wait what are you-?!"

Sam floored it, and accelerated as fast as she could. Cartman hung on for dear life, his eyes getting wider and wider as he figured out her reckless, desperate plan.

"No NO NO NONONONO-!"

They hit the ramp, and the car shot up. Its front tires hit the back of the truck cab, and they went flying. The police manning the blockade watched in awe as the Mercedes sailed through the air... And slammed into the lawn of South Park Elementary, nose first. It tumbled over its roof, and slammed down on all four wheels, hard. It slid to a stop, slamming against the wall of the building.

Sam groaned as she pushed her face out of the airbags. She was achy all over... But not dead, or crippled.

"Five stars for sure!" Sam said cheerfully. Cartman moaned, pulling his own face free of the airbag.

"You... You crazy bitch... Seriously... My car..." Cartman moaned. His eyes widened as Sam got out and ran away. "HEY! WAIT! YOU BITCH! MY CAR!"

Sam sprinted around the school, and climbed up over the fence to the playground beyond. She saw Call Girl and Human Kite fighting it out with someone in a crater, shooting off nails, wrenches, and energy drills. Yeah, that had to be Stan. She made it to the lip of the crater, and looked down. She couldn't hold back her gasp.

Stan was fighting his own friends, blood pouring from his eyes and nose.

"STAN! STOP IT!" Call Girl shouted, "YOU'RE DYING! IF YOU DON'T STOP YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

He's going to die, Sam thought faintly, the horror screaming inside her.

"STAN! LISTEN TO HER!" Human Kite shouted, diving to try and grab Toolshed, "STOP THIS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!"

A drill blast hit the Kite's side, grazing him badly. He slammed hard into the dirt, tumbling into a low wall around the basketball court. Stan kept firing off every weapon he had, mad with grief and rage.

"That's what I want," Stan gasped, "that's what I deserve!"

Sam was about to leap in, when a meaty hand grabbed her shoulder. She was stopped and turned around by a very angry looking Cartman... Dressed as a racoon.

"You have any idea how much it's gonna cost to fix my car?!" Cartman demanded.

"That's the least of our problems!" She shouted back. "Stan's gonna die thanks to what you gave him!"

"What? No stupid, it's just gonna make him angry with rage! I only put in like, half a ziplock bag-" Cartman looked down at the screaming Stan. "Oh... Wait, where's Kenny?"

A bit of Mysterion's cloak drifted down, and Cartman caught his. His eyes widened, and he looked at the state of Stan. The blood on his tools, that wasn't his own. He paled.

"Oh shit... If Toolshed killed Mysterion, and then kills Kite, and Call Girl..." Cartman shook his head, "then it'll be a really shitty franchise! Not enough appeal! We'll be just like DC!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Sam demanded. "Look, are you going to help your friend or not?!"

"Looks like the Coon has no choice, but to step in and save the day," Cartman said, rough and serious. He stepped forward, his cape waving dramatically. He extended his metal claws, ready to jump in...

When a wrench slammed into his face, breaking his nose. He screamed and covered his nose.

"OH FUBCK! MY NOBE! MAAAAAAM! MY NOOOOBE!" He wailed, falling back and screaming. Sam held back a sigh.

"Fuck it," she decided. Sam ran back, getting some space... Before she settled into a sprinter's start position. One she had done constantly as a member of the track team. She then launched herself forward, and ran for the crater's edge. She sprinted past the still crying Coon, and leaped...!

"STAN CATCH ME OR I'M GONNA DIE!" Sam shrieked. Stan looked up in shock as she fell for him.

"What the hell-?!"

He pulled out his sandblaster and fired it, blowing a cushion of air underneath Sam. It tore away her shoes and much of her clothing, but it did slow her down enough to land safely... Her boobs smothering Stan's face.

"MMPH!" Stan shouted as he fell back, hard. Sam landed on him, breathing deeply. She then pulled Stan into a hug, keeping his face in her boobs.

Call Girl and Kite both came up,, bloodied and bruised.

"How the heck are you keeping him calm?" Call Girl demanded.

"Boobs to the face. Works on almost any guy," Sam said. "Come on, we need to get him to the hospital!"

"How did you not know about that?" Kite asked. Call Girl flushed.

"I've called the paramedics! Let's get him out of here!" Call Girl shouted, a bit angrily.

"No... No, please," Stan begged, "please... Let me die..."

Stan looked up into Sam's eyes, bloody tears running down his cheeks.

"I killed him... I killed Kenny... I deserve to die," Stan sobbed. Sam hugged him tightly.

"No... No you don't, Stan," she whispered. "No matter what you've done, this... You don't deserve this. I mean it. Please... Believe me?"

"You don't even know me," Stan groaned.

"I know you well enough," Sam said softly. "Come on... Please...?"

Stan stared at her.

"... It'll just get worse. Nothing will change," he said.

"Maybe," Sam replied, "or maybe it can get better. Please... You can't let it end like this!"

Stan pushed his face back into her boobs, as Sam stroked the back of his head.

"I'm just... So tired," he murmured. "I'm so... So tired... So sorry..."

His heartbeat was slowing. Sam shook her head.

"COME ON!" Sam shouted. Call Girl shook her head.

"Kite! Can you get him out of here?"

"I-I can't fly him out of here, he's too heavy!" Kite said back, gritting his teeth. "If only we had a rope or a ladder or-!"

A brilliant golden star emerged from the clouds overhead. It streaked for the ground like a shooting star, growing brighter and brighter every second. It headed right for a pile of rubble in the crater, and Sam pulled Stan down for some kind of cover. Call Girl and Kite ducked as well, as the object slammed into the ground, releasing a burst of golden light...

That faded into the soft light of the late afternoon. Sam looked up, as did Call Girl and Human Kite. Standing there, his cape fluttering in the wind, burning angel wings flared out behind him, was...

"Mysterion?!" Call Girl gasped.

"Holy shit," Sam murmured, as the wings dissipated into flaming feathers, "I need to draw that sometime."

- - -

Kenny held back his smile, as Wendy got up and ran over at him. She tackled him in a tight hug, and he returned it gratefully.

"I missed you," he muttered.

"You took your time," she muttered back. "What was that-?"

"Let's just say it's something I can do if I really need to," Kenny said. He looked up at Stan and Sam, "and it has other benefits..."

Stan looked around, confused. His eyes were normal, his skin tanned, and the blood was gone.

"Holy... Shit, what the hell happened?" He managed. His eyes locked onto Kenny. "Kenny?!"

"Mysterion," Kenny corrected him, "and I just pulled a heal ultimate. You're welcome."

"But-But I killed you!" Stan protested. Mysterion walked over, and knelt down. He rested a hand on Stan's shoulder.

"No," he said, "I dove into some rubble at the last second... Hurt like hell though," he said. Stan slowly nodded, as did Sam and Kite. Wendy frowned deeply.

"I... I was so scared I'd killed you," Stan admitted. He looked down at his work gloves. "Holy shit, I-I caused so much damage, I lost control-"

"That wasn't your fault," Sam said firmly, "Cartman dumped meth into that Tegridy Brew crap."

"But the feelings that motivated it were very real," Wendy pointed out, soft but firm. Stan looked up at Mysterion and Call Girl, and shut his eyes tightly.

"I'm so sorry, you guys," he admitted. "I just... I got so used to me and Wendy breaking up, getting back together, breaking up... I thought it was never going to end. I thought... I thought I knew how things were. And every time it looks like something's gonna change, maybe for the better... I mean, hell. We have superpowers and shit! They're real! But when things went like this, it... It brought up every bad feeling I ever had."

He looked up at Mysterion and Call Girl.

"I don't deserve it, but... Can you forgive me? Can we still be friends?" Stan asked.

Mysterion was silent for a moment. He stood up and reached out to Wendy. Call Girl took his hand, and squeezed it. They smiled at each other, and turned to Stan.

Wendy smiled at Stan... Then punched him in the cheek.

"OW!"

Stan held a hand over the quickly developing bruise. Wendy beamed.

"You're forgiven, Stan," she said kindly.

"What she said, pal," Kenny said cheerfully.

"Geez, thanks," Stan muttered. Sam sighed, and kissed his cheek. Stan blushed brightly.

"Don't be such a baby, Stan," Sam admonished, "you nearly died!"

"And kicked the crap out of us, too," Kite pointed out. He rolled his right shoulder. "Damn, I need a better costume..."

"Wait what?!"

All eyes turned as the Coon slid down into the crater. He glared hot death at them all.

"Seriously?! You're just-Making up! After Toolshed almost killed you, Mysterion?! And after Mysterion took your girl?! That's it?! This is the shittiest Civil War 3 ever! It just involved you four! GOD! You can't do anything right after you made me leave and start going to the gym! I'm already buffer than all of you anyway! And another thing-!"

Sam sprinted, and swung her foot right up between Cartman's legs. The Coon's eyes went comically wide, as he fell over clutching his crotch.

"Oh... Shit... How... Had... A cup on," he managed. Sam kicked the fat raccoon-themed "superhero" over and over again between the legs, until she was out of breath.

"You... Bastard... Deserve this... And more... Damn you...!" She snarled. She limped away, wincing, as she made it back to the four quietly shocked superheroes.

"Sorry, but how the hell do you not murder him every time he talks?" Sam asked. Stan stared, his cheeks bright red. Kenny and Wendy noticed, looked at one another, and smirked. Kyle snorted.

"Long practice," Kyle grunted. He shook his head. "Plus, he has shown moments when he was actually decent. Just enough for us to not just chop him up, dissolve the pieces in a bathtub, and dump what's left in the lake."

"Maybe we should rethink that," Wendy muttered. Kenny smiled, and squeezed her hand again.

"Nah, we don't want to be that edgy," Kenny said. "Besides: There are worse things than death."

"Uh, Sam?" Stan asked. "You... Do know you're down to just your underwear, right?"

Sam looked down... Blushed, and then covered herself up.

"Oh crap oh crap my okaa-san's gonna kill me!"

"Here," Wendy said, taking her cape off and handing it over to Sam. She gratefully wrapped it around her waist like a skirt. "Though there might be some blood and... Other things on it?"

Sam looked it over.

"I don't see anything," she reported.

"Neither do I," Kenny sighed. Wendy elbowed him. "Ow! Just kidding!"

"Hmph!"

The four heroes and Sam stood over the whimpering Cartman.

Stan powered on his exoskeleton. He pulled up some lead pipes, and bent them around Cartman's body. He then tossed the fatass to the bottom of the crater.

"AY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Cartman demanded.

"Giving you a chance to rest," Stan stated, as he stood over him, "before we start your new and improved exercise program. Tomorrow."

"What? You can't be serious!" Cartman shouted.

Kite ascended out of the crater, while Mysterion and Call Girl ascended on a grappling hook. Toolshed extended his special tape measure, and shyly offered his arm to Sam. She smiled back, and wrapped her arms around him as he pulled them up out of the crater.

"Hey! HEY! WHAT ABOUT MY CAR, ASSHOLES?!" Cartman bellowed.

"Don't worry! We'll tell your insurance company that you crashed it! Hope you got good coverage, Fatass!" Kyle tossed back.

"FUCK YOU GUYS! FUCK YOU GUYS SOOO HARD!" Cartman wailed.

- - -

The five got out to the sidewalk... Just as a large blue Nissan van barreled up, blue lights flashing atop it. FREEDOM PALS was emblazoned on the side, with their logo of a colorful eagle. Right behind it was a yellow and red clad teenaged boy, with assistive crutches on his arms. He skidded to a halt, coming down from superspeed.

Out of the van's front seats came a black young man in elaborate plastic armor with a transparent dome helmet, a boy in scruffy mosquito cosplay (complete with wings), and a brown haired, freckled boy with hockey armor and insulin on his utility belt.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Wendy just glared at them, while Sam stared in confusion.

"What took you guys so long?! Especially you, Fastpass! You're the fastest member of the team!" Wendy shouted. "I sent the general alert text twenty minutes ago!"

"S-S-Sorry," Fastpass apologized, "I was w-w-with my girlfriend, and she really liked m-my vibrate func-ehh... My vibrate func-ahh... M-My vibration function-!"

"Oh geez, don't tell us that!" Captain Diabetes, the young man with the freckles groaned.

"Seriously, keep it to yourself!" Mosquito shot, "bzzzz!"

"TMI, dude," Stan groaned. He glared at everyone else. "And what's your guys' excuse?"

Tupperware, the young man glad in plastic, just sighed as the side door to the van slid open automatically. An electronic warning beep began to blare, as an automatic ramp slowly extended out. Upon the ramp was a wheelchair-bound young man with red hair, a large head, wearing a suit with a blanket over his legs.

'Please be patient, Toolshed, the telepathic voice of Doctor Timothy, the Freedom Pal's leader, spoke kindly in all their heads, we will be ready for action in a moment!'

The four exhausted heroes (and still confused civilian) stood and waited. Tupperware tapped his foot impatiently. The automatic ramp... Continued to extend.

'Any minute now..."

Kyle's shoulders drooped. Stan sighed. Kenny shook his head and tugged Wendy's hand.

"We'll be out helping with the recovery efforts," he said, "join us when you're done."

'No really! I'm almost out!' Timothy cried. 'Just a little longer!'

The ramp... Made it halfway, before it stopped. And began to retract. Timmy glared at Tupperware.

'Damnit Tupperware! What's wrong now?'

"Craig, Tweek, did one of you hit the ramp with your foot?" Tupperware shouted.

"Y-Yes! Sorry! Craig, erk, wouldn't keep his hands to-heep-himself!" Wonder Tweek, a blonde and twitchy young man, shouted from the back seat of the van.

"Super Craig is bored and horny," Super Craig, a very laidback young man with a blue hat and a simple "S" emblazoned on his chest, called in a monotone.

'Try to reset it!' Timmy cried.

"I can't reset it! It just has to go through the cycle!" Tupperware protested.

'Why did you get such a cheap automatic ramp?!' Timmy demanded.

"I bought this with my own allowance! I'm not made of money!" Tupperware shouted back.

Wendy groaned.

"This is why I said we needed more team practice meetings," she muttered, as she followed Kenny to help the rescue workers.

"Well, maybe they'll take it more seriously now," Kenny said. Wendy lowered her voice further as the rest of the Freedom Pals out of the van followed to help out the recovery.

"I still can't believe they think you didn't die," she murmured, "I mean-I saw it! I saw you get torn apart! I have pieces of your brain in my cape! Well, I mean, I did! Stan killed you, and he doesn't know it! How?!"

"Trust me, you get used to," Kenny chuckled. He gave his girlfriend a kiss on the side of her head, "but it's a lot better together than alone."

"I suppose," Wendy murmured, cuddling up to him as they got to the work of heroes: Helping others.

"Hey Stan? Who's the half naked girl with you?"

"I'm Sam, and does anyone have a coat I can borrow?"

- - -

Later that night, in the crater of the playground...

"... Hello? Guys?"

Silence.

"... Anyone?"

More silence.

"... Seriously. So weak."

- - -

And that concludes this first arc. What did you think?

 

[Blasterbot]

damn makes me feel bad for Stan honestly. at least Sam's boobs have (mental) healing powers.