What If? Robert E Howard rewrote Harry Potter?

Sixgun McGurk

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Harry Potter, having killed the monster and rescued the girl, would pause to assess the spoils, as loot is an important component of heroing. Lucius Malfoy would pull his wand over losing his elf only to get the sword of griffendor straight through the brisket. The last thing he would hear would be Dobby laughing. Draco would rue the day that his idiot forbear decided to start a blood-feud with a large family of six sons by messing with their sister, briefly reflecting on the twin lessons that money isn't really power and that defenestration is not a 'prank.' Tom Riddle would discover that not being able to die also means that there is no escape.
 

CurtisLemay

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Blood, lots of blood. And it would be glorious! Slytherin would be burned to the ground by a very jacked Harry, and Ron would probably die a horrible death...probably at the hands of Draco and his flunkies, hence why Slytherin would be burned to the ground. And Hermione would probably be Harry's sidekick/occasional lover/who knows what?
 

Tiamat

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Blood, lots of blood. And it would be glorious! Slytherin would be burned to the ground by a very jacked Harry, and Ron would probably die a horrible death...probably at the hands of Draco and his flunkies, hence why Slytherin would be burned to the ground. And Hermione would probably be Harry's sidekick/occasional lover/who knows what?
And call me a dirty old pervert....but the image of a much more grown and mature Hermione in a FAR more, ahem, revealing outfit worthy of Red Sonja while slinging all kinds of badass spells would only be natural. She was played by Emma Watson after all... 😁



"Harry! What is best in life?!"

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!!"
 

CarlManvers2019

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Given how much REH Protagonists rely on their heads and fighting skills and don't necessarily make use of only one or two weapons

What happens to magic? Does Dumbledore turn out to be a really muscular if very past-his-prime man, who carries a sword alongside a staff?
 

The Immortal Watch Dog

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"Respect you?" Harry snarled, the sinews of his jaw muscles taut with contempt and the tension of a cornered tiger. "Because of your supposed blood purity? By Merlin! To hell with that Draco! Dig up your precious ancestors, those who won your family accolades and glory and present them before me and I shall treat with them as an equal but do not pretend that their deeds transfer to you! That base born "mudblood" as you call her is a greater witch than I've seen yet from your rancid house and has more ferocity than your entire line!"

And

Potter was held aloft, an atrocious binding curse preventing motion, though his steel like sinews strained against the arcane power and that most animal part of his brain, the part accustomed to the harshness of cabinets and deprivation sought desperately to tap into the wellspring of ancient magic within his form to no avail. "Behold!" Hissed the fetid, rat creature pettrigrew "The Eater of death, Lord of Darkness! Voldemorttttt!!"

Perhaps it was the power of ancient blood magic or the might of his animal fury but Harry Potter managed to overcome the spell just enough to look up with hate filled eyes to behold a great throne of marble and granite resting in the immense head of a golden cobra in whose open mouth the throne rested. Ruby eyes the size of Harry's head glimmered in the night, an acrid, green smoke ebbed from its nostrils and Potter it seemed as thought a low, rasping wheeze came from the throne.

Only for him to espy a gaunt, skeletal like figure seated upon the throne. It's body long, its fingers claw like, its face twisted into a necrotic scowl as it ghoulishly leered down unmoving from its throne, the rotted remains of a once mighty figure that towered over lesser wizards. "What sick joke is this rodent?! Am I to believe you now worship a corpse?! Hah Eater of Death! Lord of Darkness! Rotting corpse, cackling cadaver, victim of my mother's wrath more like!"

"Only to the eyes of the bliiinndddd..Harry...Potterrrr"

A hissing disembodied voice echoed about the room, filling with a chorus of cacophonous cackling, the chattering of bones and the hissing of many snakes. "Butt thatt...channngeess tonight"

"What have you done with Cedric Diggory Specter!"

"Worryyy abooout yourself..never the dead..Harrrryyy"



hmmm...

hc18QMwfACkZX8kI[1].jpg

We should do this as a creative writing shitpost sometime...
 

CarlManvers2019

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"Respect you?" Harry snarled, the sinews of his jaw muscles taut with contempt and the tension of a cornered tiger. "Because of your supposed blood purity? By Merlin! To hell with that Draco! Dig up your precious ancestors, those who won your family accolades and glory and present them before me and I shall treat with them as an equal but do not pretend that their deeds transfer to you! That base born "mudblood" as you call her is a greater witch than I've seen yet from your rancid house and has more ferocity than your entire line!"

And

Potter was held aloft, an atrocious binding curse preventing motion, though his steel like sinews strained against the arcane power and that most animal part of his brain, the part accustomed to the harshness of cabinets and deprivation sought desperately to tap into the wellspring of ancient magic within his form to no avail. "Behold!" Hissed the fetid, rat creature pettrigrew "The Eater of death, Lord of Darkness! Voldemorttttt!!"

Perhaps it was the power of ancient blood magic or the might of his animal fury but Harry Potter managed to overcome the spell just enough to look up with hate filled eyes to behold a great throne of marble and granite resting in the immense head of a golden cobra in whose open mouth the throne rested. Ruby eyes the size of Harry's head glimmered in the night, an acrid, green smoke ebbed from its nostrils and Potter it seemed as thought a low, rasping wheeze came from the throne.

Only for him to espy a gaunt, skeletal like figure seated upon the throne. It's body long, its fingers claw like, its face twisted into a necrotic scowl as it ghoulishly leered down unmoving from its throne, the rotted remains of a once mighty figure that towered over lesser wizards. "What sick joke is this rodent?! Am I to believe you now worship a corpse?! Hah Eater of Death! Lord of Darkness! Rotting corpse, cackling cadaver, victim of my mother's wrath more like!"

"Only to the eyes of the bliiinndddd..Harry...Potterrrr"

A hissing disembodied voice echoed about the room, filling with a chorus of cacophonous cackling, the chattering of bones and the hissing of many snakes. "Butt thatt...channngeess tonight"

"What have you done with Cedric Diggory Specter!"

"Worryyy abooout yourself..never the dead..Harrrryyy"



hmmm...

View attachment 167

We should do this as a creative writing shitpost sometime...
Any chance you could do one for that Elendil & The Numenoreans in Beyond-The-Wall, Westeros idea I had a few months back

I recall you mentioning the “minor telepathic abilities” part, I’m guessing Tar-Elendil gives a ReasonYouSuckSpeech to the Wildlings, especially those calling them “kneelers” who “stole” their land in a culture that espouses strength and taking what you want through force
 

The Immortal Watch Dog

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Any chance you could do one for that Elendil & The Numenoreans in Beyond-The-Wall, Westeros idea I had a few months back

I recall you mentioning the “minor telepathic abilities” part, I’m guessing Tar-Elendil gives a ReasonYouSuckSpeech to the Wildlings, especially those calling them “kneelers” who “stole” their land in a culture that espouses strength and taking what you want through force
I don't really think Elendil would lecture them, so much as make a speech promising that he'll destroy the armies of the dead providing they accept him as the new King of Winter, King beyond the Wall, King of the eighth Kingdom etc.


Which they'd do, once he beheaded the Snow king in front of them.

You'd probably get a "New golden age of man" type speech from him though about how he'd build a better world with them as his friends, allies, younger siblings and loyal subjects.
 

CarlManvers2019

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I don't really think Elendil would lecture them, so much as make a speech promising that he'll destroy the armies of the dead providing they accept him as the new King of Winter, King beyond the Wall, King of the eighth Kingdom etc.


Which they'd do, once he beheaded the Snow king in front of them.

You'd probably get a "New golden age of man" type speech from him though about how he'd build a better world with them as his friends, allies, younger siblings and loyal subjects.
Nice, no need to even remotely threaten or boast strength with that speech, I’m guessing he also ends up quickly lamenting how he now has to deal with some “Southerners” coming in and getting “slighted” at lots of small stuff when he just wants to build
 

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I would like to remind everybody that Howard cooperated (IIRC they bounced ideas off each other) with Lovecraft, and Conan is canonically stated to be placed in Lovecraft-verse, hence the many eldritch horrors encountered by the Cimmerian.

If HP was written by Howard then Death Eaters would be a minor inconvenience...
 

CarlManvers2019

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I would like to remind everybody that Howard cooperated (IIRC they bounced ideas off each other) with Lovecraft, and Conan is canonically stated to be placed in Lovecraft-verse, hence the many eldritch horrors encountered by the Cimmerian.

If HP was written by Howard then Death Eaters would be a minor inconvenience...
The Death Eaters would be cultists or be into forbidden magics

Godric Gryffindor was a "Mage-Knight" who wandered the world killing all the cults he could find, many centuries ago

I think one other thing Robert E. Howard's influence would make is how even ancient civilizations had their own ancient civilizations and many before even those that are long forgotten
 

Hlaalu Agent

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It makes me wonder if it would make it so the Dursleys were actually trying to toughen Harry up. Each and every character would be reinterpreted through the lens, so maybe Vernon hates magic, because he is entirely too sensible and understands how bad the eldritch can be...

I mean how would be handle Dudley's character development? I might imagine he likes it, a person shown how awful they truly are, shown the yawning abyss at the centre of their heart...and then rather than fleeing into denial, they decide to better themself. Imagine what Dudley would turn into...
 

CarlManvers2019

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It makes me wonder if it would make it so the Dursleys were actually trying to toughen Harry up. Each and every character would be reinterpreted through the lens, so maybe Vernon hates magic, because he is entirely too sensible and understands how bad the eldritch can be...
Given that REH also made Detective stories, I think this could be Dresden Files-esque too

Wizards, the "guardians" of the mortal world, keepers of sacred knowledge




Occasionally having to murder assholes like this guy
 

The Immortal Watch Dog

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It makes me wonder if it would make it so the Dursleys were actually trying to toughen Harry up. Each and every character would be reinterpreted through the lens, so maybe Vernon hates magic, because he is entirely too sensible and understands how bad the eldritch can be...

I mean how would be handle Dudley's character development? I might imagine he likes it, a person shown how awful they truly are, shown the yawning abyss at the centre of their heart...and then rather than fleeing into denial, they decide to better themself. Imagine what Dudley would turn into...

That's more a Bernard Cornwell thing, whereas Howard would probably portray Vernon Dursley as a cuckolded weakling and Dudley as a mental invalid and the wife..I forget her name being the instigator of all of Harry's misery. Howard's Dursely would be a complete fucking disaster of a man 🤣

Cornwell, mind ye, would make Vernon like a ghetto born orphan who knew what it was like to go through life with no one and being shitkicked all the way. Probably self made and he'd be extra hard on Harry because he wouldn't just have to deal with run of the mill thugs, but thugs that can hit you with curses that make you throw up your intestines ala Fenrir Greyback.

HP done by Cornwell would be kinda..like this?

"Fate, Boy, it's fuck'n inexorable"

Merlin said that, so did Alfred The Great. Or at least that's what the man who raised me used to say, Fate is inexorable he'd say as he beat me. Poor Vernon Dursley, it's funny, I'm old now, nearly one hundred and thirty years old and I feel Death stalking my shadow and I look back. The Daily prophet wants to do a feature length biography of my life, Harry Potter, the hero, the boy who lived, the boy who defied the Dark Lord, the boy who killed him. They ask me all the time, what it was like to be mentored by Minerva Mcgonagal and Albus Dumbledore, how such illustrious mentors shaped my life, but if I am being honest with myself I can't think of a single god damn thing they taught me that was useful.

Oh sure, they defended me, ensured I had nice things and cared for me in their fashion, I learned how much about magic from them but very little about life.

Life, ah, the savage mistress of time and death, who finds a way to make even escaping to a magical world where you're a legacy kid hell. And it was hell, I lived in a bloody attic at home, a crawlspace before that. Vernon made sure to give me the least, he said "It'll make ya strong boy, unlike my boy" Dudley, who would never be hard because he had parents. That'll be funny, to tell all of this to that idiot reporter and see the look on her face. To tell her that I felt more alive and free living like a bloody Racoon than I did when I was rich, young, strong, popular and a rising star in Hogwarts. But a reputation can be a tricky thing, mine was always in the shadows of my dead parents and chained by Fate to a cackling, snake worshiping lunatic. But that's not the story everyone knows, is it?

No, they know the "truth", or at least the fair tale that the young tell themselves. I was forced to live with those awful people you see? Because of ancient magic and I learned at the feet of magical Minervia and Diligent Dumbledore and was made into the hero you see before you.

But what is valor when you have defeated one Dark Lord and possessed such power that the other feared facing you? What is Valor when you are able to change shape at will and are secured in your rise to power.

No, everything I learned about heroism, manhood and reputation, I learned from a street thug turned business owner who was always fifty pounds too heavy and cursed like a sailor.

Poor Vernon.

He once said I was his only true son.

He was right.

I look back on it.

I was daring, I was fierce, I was magnificent, I was hard and in a fight with a wand or my own bloody fists I was a demon. I was the "Gangster who defied the Dark Lord", the git who lived, the thug of Diagon Alley, the thief in the dark, Serpent's Bane and a thousand other nicknames.

But to my real father, my real mentor.

I was "'Arry, fook'n Pottah"
 
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The Immortal Watch Dog

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Say, how would REH rewrite HP’s magic system?

Honestly, there doesn’t seem to be many limits to what one can learn or do

Also, REH’s magic wasn’t so direct or constantly in-use as I recall
Howard? He'd probably have weird shit like the chamber of Secrets containing a magical elephant and Harry needs to shank him in the fucking skull to free his power and save him from the piece of Voldemort's soul that's eating away and his essence.

And Dementors would be giant poison Dart colored frogs that laughs like the Joker and sodomize the prisoners..Since Rape Frogs were an enemy Conan faced in the Tower of the Elephant if memory serves..

Voldemort might end up a snake like ghost possessing his corpse making him more Skeletor like. A big, jacked up Skeleton man who hisses like a snake and battles Dumbledore with horrific winged Ape Monsters he summons from the abyss or someshit.

Nagini would be an enormous Cobra too, one that sobbed and begged for death as she still remembers her human form.

Cornwell's version ala the one I did above, there'd be a lot of pissing on doorways and Harry might have to ritualistically strangle Cho Chan to gain mastery over the Elder Wand.
 
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