Humor/Comedy The Compendium of Craigslist Cringe

[Certified_Heterosexual]

Craiglist: Where degenerates go when they can't even attempt to justify themselves.

If, like me, you wasted your late teens and early twenties on the Internet, you remember back when Craiglist was an open air online brothel and drug market. After it became widely known, they banned drugs, but it was still an amazing place to troll. Find an old, unused photobucket account from a hot college student, use the pictures for a fake casual encounters posting, and watch idiots send the most embarrassing e-mails you could imagine.

Those days are in the past now. H.R. 1865 made it a liability a few years back, so the "personals" section was shut down. However, in the years between when Craigslist became infamous in the late 90s and now, social media, smart phones, and other banes have turned vast swathes of people into drooling idiots with no sense of propriety. One no longer needs to bother with the aforementioned tactic to extract pathetic and hilarious confessions. People post them for public viewing all on their own!

Take a minute to go to your local Craigslist site > community > missed connections and be astounded. It's the (barely legible) written version of YouTube. Comedy? It abounds. Horror? Well represented. Drama? Occasionally you even get to witness criminal events unfold that later make the papers and news.

Green Haired goddess? riverfest wed (Wichita)

You came up to the spot on the grassy hill where the DJ was playing. You had the most beautiful green hair, some black, and a green skirt blowing in the wind, and you were the most beautiful soul there. Your shirt was black straps, sexy and comfortable looking. We locked eyes. I was tripping too hard to get up and talk to you, and wasn't counting on the rain to take that chance away. You were upset I didn't call to you. I was the guy that took his boot off to stretch out his broken ankle, and you walked right by me and smiled when they shut it down. Wed night.

Half a century ago, Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy stalked people and dressed up like clowns to find their victims then kidnap, rape, and murder them. Today, they lust after clowns, but are too high and lazy to do anything but post the creepiest thing possible on a free classified ad website.

Weird Ted Bundy Convo at The Keg, Colwich

I had an interesting conversation about Ted Bundy with a beautiful woman at The Keg in Colwich on Saturday June 15th. Now that is about as much as I remember. I remember her being a Brunette and very funny, but I couldn't tell you what the conversation was except for it being about the Ted Bundy tapes and probably about how good looking he was. If you're out there and would like to continue this conversation hit me up, you seemed pretty great.

Speak of the devil! I wrote that first one out, tabbed over to find another, and lo and behold... I can't make this shit up. This is ten different interlacing levels of fucked up.

"You had me at 'Ted Bundy was good looking.'"

"We had this long conversation, but I only remember your mouth moving for the most part and the bit about Ted Bundy being quite the looker. You seemed pretty great."

Wtf, people.

Beautiful mixed girl in spandex at laundry mat on seneca & mccormick (Lost Sock on Seneca)

I know this is a long shot but i wish i would of talked 2 u. This was tuesday july 2nd 2019. Im sure u noticed me looking at your beautiful hair, body, & face. U had on my favorite - black spandex.

Im the guy that was mixed too with long hair that was tied up & had lots of gold on.

I hope u see this but i know my chances are slim. What would such a classy girl be doing looking here unless u felt the same about me.

Black spandex, lots of gold, "laundry mat." Who said urban life isn't romantic?

Blue shrit spandex pants. Walmart (Wichita)


You were at walmart today. Blue shrit spandex pants. If you see this by chance plz get back to me.

Spandex is the new Latex in the ever-expanding America.

Casino connection (Mulvain)


Single male looking to hook up with a couple at the Casino Monday night July 8th drinks and maybe more

"I'm totally not going to bash your heads in with a lamp, steal your social security checks, and use your skulls like a meth pipe. I would never do that."

Traffic Court (Wichita)

Sitting on the front row in traffic court today (Sedgwick Co. 5th floor)
Beautiful blonde, I was sitting next to you.
Dinner and a movie perhaps?

Who the hell picks up women in traffic court? Is it possible to have a self-awareness level in the negative numbers?

We met at the airport bar and shared some wings (Wichita Airport)
© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
(google map)

We had a brief argument about chickens being the descendants of T-rex. You didn't want to wait in the airport for your delayed flight so you left with a friend. I should have asked your number because I'd love to take you out on a date. If you're out there and interested, reply please!

Craigslist is a bottomless well of vicarious embarrassment.

girl with celtic knowledge working at fast food
Hey I should've gotten yer number that day. Was a few months ago I stopped in at yer job and you commented on my celtic tattoo, You said that you had researched meanings of differant celtic symbols. Id like to get together with you and talk about them and get to know each other a bit.I've stopped in yer job several times but unfortunatly havent seen you. If by some slim chance you see this, I hope you will respond.

Celtic knowledge, you say?...

You asked if I was a larper
We met a few weekends back. My neighbor is really into medieval weapons and has been trying to get me to come with him to his combat practice. I finally went with him to see what it’s all about. He has all the gear, but he let me borrow some stuff. He is a big guy, but he wears everything really tight because he thinks it makes him look jacked. To me, he looks like an overstuffed Link. Anyway, his stuff fits me just fine even if it smells a little funny. I saw you at the park and introduced myself. You asked if I was a larper and I began to explain why I was wearing a tunic. My neighbor interrupted us and began explaining the difference between larpers and combat training. He is the worst. He thinks he’s hot stuff and so much cooler than a larper. I am pretty confident he’s a trump supporter. Anyway, you and I exchanged grimaces and you made your exit fairly quickly.

I know it’s unlikely that you’ll see this, but I’d love to see you again when I’m not wearing a tunic. I could be wrong, but i felt a spark when we shared our grimace.

The hunters become the hunted:

To the Waffle House table of women teasing me
There was two tables of you and most of you were drunk. I was the tall bald white guy you all were having fun making me blush. I ain't normally a shy type, but...you were all talking some pretty heavy stuff purposely embarrassing me. (big sigh)...I didn't have the guts to introduce myself. Saying "Hi" to seven wild women made me a little nervous and even a little scared!...LOL...Me, a big six foot five guy scared of women isn't a feeling I'm used to! Wish I would've. I feel a little braver now...safely at home hiding behind my computer...LOL...if one or all of you want to still meet me...get back with me! Unless you're the ones that are to shy and timid now?...LOL

This is psychopathic and disturbing, but kind of reminded me of a Wallace Stevens Poem:

Spoiler

The Plot Against the Giant

First Girl
When this yokel comes maundering,
Whetting his hacker,
I shall run before him,
Diffusing the civilest odors
Out of geraniums and unsmelled flowers.
It will check him.

Second Girl
I shall run before him,
Arching cloths besprinkled with colors
As small as fish-eggs.
The threads
Will abash him.

Third Girl
Oh, la...le pauvre!
I shall run before him,
With a curious puffing.
He will bend his ear then.
I shall whisper
Heavenly labials in a world of gutturals.
It will undo him.

Get Chris Hanson a time machine:

Spoiler: NSFW

Looking for Ethel

Ethel, your mom's name was Pearl you watched me when my mom went to work at night ,I was in fourth grade you were in eighth grade you were a red head we lived in the same apartment building you use to come and play with my dick and let me touch your tits ,would like just to say hello ,maybe try it again this was in the 70's .

TL;DR: Every day we stray further from God; Craigslist is living proof.

 

[Urabrask Revealed]

I thought Craigslist was some sort of flea- or low paying job-market?

 

[Battlegrinder]

I thought Craigslist was some sort of flea- or low paying job-market?

It does have that, and that's what most people probably use it for, but that's not why the site keeps having PR issues.

 

[Deleted member 88]

I would ask rhetorically, "Do people have no sense of shame" but then I realized I would be an idiot for not realizing the question was no before I thought to ask the question.

What also gets me is like...how people apparently lack the courage to just ask for dates or whatever. Like I'm not a brave person when it comes to women myself, but the worst response you can get is no(you'll feel pathetic and humiliated regardless but still). As opposed to posting on a public website and hoping someone responds who may or may not use said website.

 

[Certified_Heterosexual]

Yeah, I don't understand why "missed connections" even exists. The chances of that person ever coming across that post is... well, I imagine it has to be just ludicrously small.

 

[Deleted member 88]

People are desperate for two things.

Sex and love. Give them any hope and they’ll do anything that could give them those things.