A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Chapel...
A Ducktales 2017 crossover fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Ducktales and other related media herein is the property of Disney Company. Please support the official release.
***
For Jeanine.
***
For some life is a box of chocolates. For others, it's a bed of roses.
For me? It's a floor covered by a nice warm carpet, the kind you can really sink your flippers into-Before it's yanked away and leaves you on cold, hard concrete covered in broken glass. The floor is laughing at you because every time you take a step on the carpet, and enjoy it, you really think it'll last forever. That it won't get pulled out from under you. Again.
That had been my entire life, really, up until I met Della Duck. I'd been out for a smoke after losing yet another job. It was some office job typing some crap, I don't remember precisely what it was. Then a dragon came through the alley I'd been sulking in. It had roared at me, and I'd started running my feathered ass off to get away!
Of all the ducks the stupid thing could have chased, it was me! What, did it think I was smoke flavored? I have no idea why. Well I did learn later, but I forgot.
What I do remember is that the hottest hen I had ever seen landed on the head of the dragon and slammed a spear through it. The monster was slain, and she rose, covered in blood and looking impossibly beautiful. She then smiled at me.
"Hey," she said, "thanks for luring it into the open like that! Good job!"
I think I said something eloquent but what I actually said was:
"Oh wow you're hot. Especially with blood on you."
She'd giggled and beamed at me.
"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!"
That was the start of my relationship with Della Duck. As well as her high strung twin brother (who I totally didn't think was as hot as Della when in girl's clothing, absolutely not) and her egotistical uncle.
Who, to be fair, had a lot to be egotistical about. He was Scrooge Motherfucking McDuck, the richest duck in the world and the greatest adventurer.
He went after weird mystical crap like a fat duck went after cake. To get treasure, of the most incredible kinds.
For some insane reason, I got wrapped up in this. Okay, not so insane. Della was amazing, and I wasn't just talking about her thighs, bottom, and breasts. It was like she was amazing inside and out. She really did care about people and things she'd just met. She really wanted to make the world a better place. She was really brave, kind, and caring. She wore everything on her sleeves.
The one thing I could never figure out was why she spent so much time on me.
No matter what shitty job I had next, she found me and just had to say six little words to me:
"Want to go on an adventure?"
The next instant, I was off. I spent maybe one third of the time screaming, another third screaming and running, and maybe a last third saying sarcastic shit to whatever crap was trying to kill us that week.
Why did I do it? Aside from the smoking hot, incredible hen who was taking me along? Well, did I actually need another reason?
I guess I did. Della gave it to me.
Just sitting on a boat after outwitting some rat pirates for a treasure from a sunken Lemurian temple, looking up at the stars, she was sitting with me. I was smoking, something she always chided me about but never stopped me from doing.
I finally asked her why. Not the smoking thing, but the more important thing:
"Why do you do this? Why do you drag me along?"
Della beamed at me with that amazing smile that always made my heart skip a beat.
"Because you're like me," Della said. "You never feel alive unless you're on an adventure. You think you're a loser. So did I, when I was younger. Normal society thinks we're weirdos and outcasts. But here? In these moments? We're truly ourselves."
I finally found the courage to kiss her in that moment. She kissed me back.
We didn't exactly advertise it. Donald and Scrooge are overprotective. Donald thought I was cool, since I could actually understand when he was sarcastic. Scrooge though, he always gave backhanded compliments at best.
We didn't care though. We were in love. Every moment with Della made up for every moment of my crappy, terrible life. Sure, I had lots of debt to local mobsters and a few pirates, but who cared?
I was in love.
Eventually, we did make a mistake. A wonderful mistake though. I got her pregnant. I was scared at first, but her happiness got to me. We were together, and raising children together just seemed like another adventure.
In adventure, we were the best. So parenting would be the best adventure.
God, I know it sounds so corny but in that moment? It sounded like it was engraved on the heart of the universe.
I had even gotten a ring, from doing odd jobs. All my own money that I had worked for. Della deserved that much.
Then I got pulled to another universe. Another Earth. One ruled by a bunch of hairless apes. None of them had ever heard of Duckberg. Most of them thought I was one of their smaller apes in a duck costume. I had to work so many odd jobs, go on so many crazy adventures. Hell, I even helped save the whole fucking universe once or twice.
Yeah, I may have flirted with a few of the hairless ape females. Maybe I'd even gone further… A few times.
Look, what was I gonna do huh? Bang one of the non-sapient waterfowl? I'm not into bestiality, thanks!
I just thought I was never going to go home. The multiverse is infinite, right? There was no chance of me ever going home again.
Or so I thought…
The Duckburg Tech Convention had gone through a lot of renovations, that was for sure. Or maybe it had always looked this way: Most of the time whenever I'd seen it, shit was exploding. Lasers were going amok and crap like that.
There was that Darkwing Duck Convention. So many chubby nerds in badly fitted costumes running around, it had been hilarious.
Today, it was packed with everything you might want to see if you were a Stark or a Reed or one of the other Big Brains back on Ape Earth. Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes-The works.
I'd donned a trenchcoat, hat, sunglasses and scarf to blend in. I mean, it had worked when I was a PI.
That was a weird time for me, even on that crazy Earth.
I'd wandered over to the McDuck Enterprises pavilion-Looks like the old geezer was still as subtle as ever. Still, it looked like he was still doing great. I wandered through the displays, looking over the offered new products. Most of them were pilotable robots, the kind of thing Stark loved so much.
Most of them were built and designed for civil construction: Welding, cutting down trees, pouring cement. All of that kind of shit. So, more useful than most of Stark's gadgets. So that was expected, I suppose.
At the end of the display was something I wasn't expecting-A gigantic bronze and silver titan, six meters tall, resembling a suit of armor crafted out of dragon bones. It wore a sleek black cape, and a sword at its side.
I walked up to the great titan, familiarity filling me like a pot of warm coffee. Damnit, I was getting nostalgic over the crazy shit I'd gotten up to before going to that other, crazier world.
The placard in front of it explained it all, really.
"The Manuherik! An ancient Greek fighting powered armor, derived from lost Atlantean technology! Powered by the heart of a dragon, it was used by the forces of Alexander the Great! It slew the Tarrasque of Antioch centuries later! And recovered on an adventure by Scrooge McDuck!"
I looked over to my elbow, and I saw… Him. He wore a red cap and a red shirt. He had a Junior Woodchuck Guidebook open in front of him. He was grinning in innocent glee and excitement, in the joy of learning something new. He looked up at me, and flushed self consciously.
"Um, sorry," he said. "I just-It's just so-"
"It's amazing, isn't it?" I asked. "It's been a while since I saw it." I looked up at it, and reached out. I touched the armor. The old runes reacted to me, glowing gently. The old contraption remembered me. The boy stared up at it in amazement. He looked back at me, and I pulled my hand back.
"How…?" He asked.
"What's your name, kid?" I asked. The duck coughed.
"Uh, I'm Huey Duck, sir." He pointed at two other ducks, like mirror duplicates of the first save in blue and green. "Those are my brothers, Louie and Dewey!"
The green one was sipping a soda and looking at his phone in boredom. The blue one was playing with an action figure of one of the mecha with a bright grin. Then… Then Della walked in. She was a little older, and she had a robotic leg. She smiled at two of her three boys, and gave them hugs.
The blue one eagerly returned it, while the green one hesitated a little before giving it. He was clearly embarrassed, but hid his delight well.
I stared, my gaze locked onto… Onto my family.
"Uh, and that's my mom," Huey said softly. He gave me a strange expression. "Also, who are you? Are you a reporter? A private investigator?"
I was silent. I looked back to my son. One of my sons. I looked back at the family. The distance suddenly felt as vast as the gaps between universes.
"... I'm just an old friend of your mom's," I decided on. Huey beamed brightly, and grabbed my hand. He began pulling me in her direction.
"Then-Then come on! I'm sure she'd be happy to see you! She's been gone for a while! Like, a long while!"
I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for this at all. My heart was beating like a drum. I was sweating like a leaky faucet. I was not ready for this.
"Ah-Ah-Another time," I stated, yanking my hand back. Huey looked confused, and a bit hurt.
"Are you sure? I'm sure it would cheer her up," he said earnestly.
Goddamnit. He was so kind. If he wasn't my kid, I'd say he was a pansy but because he was my kid-Damnit.
"Look, just go be with your fucking family, brat," I stated harshly. Huey looked like I'd slapped him. Guilt clenched at my heart as I clenched my teeth.
This was a stupid idea. It was always stupid. I turned to walk away as the kid stuttered.
"But-But I-"
The nearby McDuck Civil Mecha activated, and held up two gigantic arms made of chainsaws. Chainsaws which immediately revved up, buzzing loudly. Huey turned around and gasped.
"Holy-!"
The mecha swung the gigantic chainsaws as it got up. In a path that led the blades right through us. I grabbed Huey and threw myself back between the legs of the Manuherik!
Another mecha activated and rose up. Another and another, all McDuck Enterprises. I groaned.
"Gyro still hasn't figured out the morality circuits, has he?"
"No!" Huey cried. "The AIs are too simple! There's no way they could go haywire like Gyro's usual robots!" Huey then shot a stare at me. "Wait, how do you know that?!"
"Lucky guess!" I shouted.
"Yeah, well it's wrong!" Huey shouted. The loudspeakers of the mechas roared to life. An unfortunately familiar voice rattled over them.
"All right Duckberg! Time for a robot rock!" Ma Beagle cackled.
"Goddamnit, not her," I groaned. "How many more whelps has that old whore punched out?!"
"Language!" Huey shouted. The mecha charged through the convention, people screaming and running. I let out a long sigh.
It was like I'd never left.
"Come on kid, and you'd better fucking hope that that old geezer left everything where it's supposed to fucking be!" I climbed up to the top of the Manuherik's chest, Huey scrambling up behind me.
"Geez, do you kiss your mother with that beak?" Huey demanded. I smirked as I found the release mechanisms for the hatches.
"Not anymore. I did a lot of interesting things to your mother with it though!"
Huey made a face.
"Ugh! Hey, if that's an insult for the purposes of male bonding, that's way too far! It's also weird! I don't even know you!"
"If we get this done fast enough, you won't need to know anything else," I stated. I pulled the releases, and the hatch opened.
I slid into the old cockpit, slipping my arms and feet into the control mechanisms. The restraints automatically extended and held me tight and surely.
I felt the familiar pricks of the blood suckers in my neck, and hissed. I had a grin on my beak, as I felt the dragon's heart begin beating through the massive form of the Manuherik.
"I missed you too, baby," I growled. Huey poked his face into my view with a grin.
"Oh wow! How did you know how to get it working?! Do you have to make everything sound like an innuendo? How much blood does this thing need?"
I scowled. I carefully reached one of the arms over my chest, and grabbed Huey with one of the Manuherik's hands. I held him carefully, and pulled him back. Huey gaped.
"Huh?! What are you-?!"
"Listen kid: This is going to get messy. So get the hell out of here, NOW!" I shouted. I set my son down on the ground, and carefully got going. He stared at me with a hurt look.
"But-But I can help you!" He shouted.
"I DON'T NEED HELP! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I bellowed as I shut the hatch tight. I took a deep breath as the Atlantean HUD runes lit up in front of my face.
I strode out into the main concourse of the convention center, feeling like a god across an ancient battlefield. Two of the mecha hijacked by Beagle Boys turned to face me-The lumberjack one, and one that looked like a gigantic rivet gunner.
I drew the sword, as long as a street lamp. Literally the only weapon the Manuherik had.
See, Atlantean mecha were built with artificial hearts, muscles, and fluids-The whole nine yards, like a living body. This made them very flexible, fast, and agile. They did have a weakness-Their big artificial hearts had to be exposed to get rid of the heat they generated, which made them damn good targets. The artificial hearts on the new mecha were small, but still visible-So I could hit them.
The one on my Manuherik was huge and exposed.
Now, if the Beagles were actually smart, the lumberjack would close in to box me in while the riveter fired on me from range. Try to take out my heart and render me utterly helpless.
The lumberjack instead charged, swinging its gigantic chainsaws wildly. The Riveter also charged, firing just as wildly.
Well, that hadn't changed. None of Ma Beagles' pups got her brains.
I sidestepped the idiot lumberjack and swung the sword like an axe. Both chainsaw arms came off, falling to the floor in a heap.
THUD!
I smoothly stepped into the next form of the Quack-Fu kata, and thrust through the exposed artificial heart powering the mecha. I held the lumberjack in front of myself, and shoved it into the rivet gunner. It fell back, and I stepped quickly around and behind to slam the sword through the artificial heart!
"Two down," I muttered, pulling my sword out of the disabled mecha. A cement mixer themed mecha charged at me next, and fired a huge stream of concrete at me. I waved my cape out to the side, throwing off the aim of the mixer, and threw the sword like a lance!
CRASH! Right through the artificial heart! The cement mixer collapsed into a pile of limbs, oil leaking all over the floor like fucking blood!
Then I felt heat behind me, and I turned as flames from a torch wielding mecha covered me. I held up my arms and stepped back, trying to make my way back to the sword. The torcher kept up the streams of flames, the Atlantean HUD screaming warnings in a language I didn't understand but got the gist of.
Remember the Manuherik's heart? Well, there's another weakness to them being so exposed. If you exposed them to incredibly high amounts of heat, they'd start to overheat and boil everything from the inside.
The new McDuck mechs based on this tech had probably found a way around this issue.
They hadn't applied it to the Manuherik though, as it literally began to suffer from heat stroke. I pulled my cape out, tried to use its incredible strength to resist the flames! It bought me time, time I used to try and get back to the sword… But the torch mecha just closed in, turning the heat up higher! I was dripping in sweat! It was a fucking oven in here! The heart was beating in panic, and so was mine!
"Goddamnit," I growled, "I did not… Come all this way… To become a roast duck!"
Then… A spray of water arched through the shimmering air. It struck the torch mecha, causing billows of steam to erupt and fill the air. I looked and made out a tiny, red hat wearing figure holding a firehose as best he could. My eyes widened.
"HUEY!" I shouted. The pilot of the torch mecha turned his jets off, and turned towards my son. He was standing amid the steam, terrified but still spraying water. The torch mecha glowed bright blue, readying a stream of flames…!
I grabbed one of the fallen chainsaw arms from the defeated lumberjack mecha, and swung hard! It smashed against the side of the torch mecha, and it turned. I could see its heart!
"TAKE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!" I bellowed, and tackled the torcher! I thrust the chainsaw through its heart as hard as I could, and the Manuherik gave its all! The heart chamber shattered under the strain, and I threw a desperate punch!
SQUISH!
My robotic fingers closed around the artificial heart, and I pulled with all my might! In a flood of oil and other machine gore, I ripped the heart out!
Of the mecha, not the pilot. He'd be fine, they all would be. Well, as fine as being sons of a bitch can be, the poor Beagle bastard.
The torcher fell back, twitching a bit, before it fell still. Above us, the fire suppression sprinklers started up, raining down upon us all and dowsing the flames.
The air was still so hot and stuffy though. I released the hatch, and embraced the falling rain with deep, labored breaths. I soon saw Huey running up to me, climbing up the leg of the Manuherik. He clumsily got up, panting hard, and looked up at me with a broad smile.
"I… I told you!" He shouted. "I told you, I told you! I helped!"
"You crazy little asshole," I gasped, "you could have been killed!"
"Yeah, and so could you!" Huey shot back with a glare. "Who are you?! How the heck did you know how to pilot this thing?!"
I opened my mouth to say something. Anything. I couldn't though, because then I saw her.
Della. She had been running up, Louie and Dewey behind her. She stopped short though, as our eyes met. She stared at me, and I stared back. I licked my beak, my mouth dry despite the falling artificial rain.
She ran up, leaping like a fucking gazelle, up the knees of the Manuherik and right up to the hatch. Despite the water from the sprinklers, I could tell she had tears in her eyes. Just like mine.
"... Sweetie?" She whispered.
"Uh," I managed, giving her a nod. "Hey babe."
"Mom? Who is this guy?" Louie demanded, scrambling up alongside her. Dewey was on the other side, hesitating just a little but unwilling to be left out. Della let out a long sigh.
"Huey, Dewey, Louie," she said thickly, "this is Howard Duckson… Your father."
There was dead silence, save for the falling rain and the whimper of one of the Beagles. Dewey finally broke it.
"Why aren't you dead?!"
"Lots of reasons," I said. I looked up at Della and smiled. "All of which I'll explain-"
She slugged me right in the beak. My head snapped back, and I felt a tooth loosen. I slowly looked back at her, as my boys stared at their mother in shock. Della was breathing hard, eyes burning in anger and fear.
God she was still so beautiful.
"I probably deserved that," I managed.
She then hugged and kissed me. I wrapped her in a deep hug. My robot arms emulated me, and pushed us all into an incredibly awkward family hug.
Fuck you Life. I deserved this more.
She pulled back, just enough to catch her breath. She gave me a look.
"What the heck happened?!" She cried.
"That's... A long story," I said. "Maybe I could tell it when I'm not getting the blood leeched out of me by my fighting robot?"
"Oh! Oh, right! Come on boys, let's get him out of here."
You know, I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry if I saw Della and our kids. I really did. An actual promise, no crossing my fingers behind my back.
So I just settled for the water of the sprinklers hiding the hot tears running down my feathery cheeks as I hugged my boys and my woman on the convention center floor. After over a decade of living in a crazy universe of flesh-faced monsters with magic, superheroes, and reboots... This felt so right. It felt unbelievably... Nice.
I'm not a fucking poet. Though I thought I was once when I was drunk.
There was a part of my mind already anticipating this amazing, wholesome moment being ruined by something or someone. A kind of tension in your back ready to spring.
"HOWARD BLOODY DUCKSON!"
Ah, there it was. Della, Huey, Dewey and Louie all turned as the sprinklers ended their torrents. An elderly duck in red, a black silk top hat atop his head and a cane in his hand, strode up to us. One of the Beagles got out of his mech, and tried to make a run for it. The old geezer though hefted up his cane and whacked the dumb bastard on the head. The Beagle was knocked out and collapsed.
Well, he hadn't lost a single step in the decade. I cleared my throat.
"Scrooge Fucking McDuck," I replied. Della elbowed me.
"Language," she chided me.
"What, you're doing that now?" I demanded.
"I'm a mom now!" Della cried. "I have to be responsible! And you're a dad! So you have to be responsible too!"
"That's what that means?" I asked in disbelief. I got a punch to the beak which snapped my head back. "GAH!"
Scrooge pulled his fist back, glaring darkly. I reached up and rubbed my beak.
"You're not going to kiss me too, are you?"
"You ran off on Della when she needed you, and now you're back?!" Scrooge demanded.
"Hey!" Huey shouted. "He did just save me! And your robots!"
"After being gone fer a decade," Scrooge pointed out.
"Yeah, because that's totally not unusual in this family," Louie pointed out sarcastically. "Also, does anyone die in this family?! I'm not complaining!
Much, I mean!"
"I am!" Dewey shouted. "Uncle Donald told us he was a bum who disappeared and probably died thanks to his own stupidity!"
"Hey!" I shouted. "I got pulled into another universe ruled by hideous, bald apes thanks to one of their stupid science experiments!"
Scrooge scoffed.
"Like I haven't heard that excuse a dozen times!"
I sighed. I looked at Della.
"You believe me, right babe?"
Della smiled and nodded.
"Of course I do! Crazier things have happened to us!" She said.
I grinned back. She beamed.
"But some proof would be nice, too."
"Yes, it would be," Scrooge ground out. My boys looked at me expectantly.
I sighed, and rummaged in my blazer pockets. I pulled out a small holodisk. I held it out in front of me, and clicked it once.
A holographic image appeared over the disk. It was of the human who had helped me get home, Doctor Stephen Strange. He looked as prim and ramrod stiff as ever.
"To whomever it concerns," the recording began, "I am Doctor Stephen Strange, the Sorcerer Supreme of Universe 616 Dash 457.42 Alpha."
Scrooge and Della's feathery brows went up at that. Okay, I was in. They knew what that was.
"Howard Duckson of your universe did indeed end up in our universe approximately eleven Earth years ago, by no fault of his own," the recording went on, "and he has been of great assistance the forces of Good in this universe. He has aided our world and all life in this universe on many occasions."
I gave a proud smirk to Scrooge, who had crossed his arms over his chest. Della looked proud. My boys were grinning in glee. Strange's hologram
gave a sardonic look.
"Despite being a drunk, a smoker, a lazy layabout, a pervert, a libertine, a spendthrift, a pornographer-"
I hit the stop button with a glare. I hadn't authorized that!
Louie snickered. Dewey blushed. Huey covered his face with his hands.
"You get the idea!" I shouted. Scrooge was now smirking, as Della sighed and hugged me happily.
"You haven't changed a bit!" She cried. My boys were staring at one another warily. I scratched the back of my head.
"Hey! He just happened to see me at my worst moments! Just those!" I insisted.
"I dunno, sounds spot on tae me," Scrooge observed. He gave me a glare. "Och, I suppose you'll be wantin' tae stay at the mansion too, huh? After wrecking me robots?"
I snorted.
"Please, I'm not out for a handout from you anymore! I know it's a waste of time," I stated. I pulled out a Kree raygun and held it and the holodisk. "In
fact, I'll pay my own way! I will sell you these one of a kind alien technologies from another universe! Right here, right now."
"How do I know they're one of a kind?" Scrooge asked. "It's a big universe."
"Seriously?" Dewey asked.
I rolled my eyes.
"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll give you a family discount. Just so I can live on my own without any handouts."
Scrooge raised his eyebrows and then slowly extended his hand out to the junk in my hands.
I then pulled my hands back.
"Ten million dollars," I stated. Scrooge gaped.
"Ten million?!" He cried. "That's highway robbery!"
"For things that are from another universe?" I asked dryly.
"I've got stuff from other universes in me vault!" Scrooge said, waving his hand. "One million!"
"Ten!" I insisted.
"Two!" Scrooge ground back.
"Ten!"
"Four!"
"Ten!"
"Five!"
"Ten!"
Della rolled her eyes. "Uncle Scrooge," she groaned, "please just pay him!"
"I'm already getting bored," Dewey sighed.
Louie was grinning. "I'm not!"
"I just want to see the raygun up close," Huey admitted.
Scrooge grumbled, and considered.
"Nine point five!"
"Seriously?" I demanded. Scrooge shook his head.
"Well it's not like I don't have ray guns already!" He cried.
"But from a different universe?" Louie asked. "I mean, even the material sciences of these devices could be worth billions!"
His brothers gave him odd looks. He shrugged. "What? I can see the value of nerd stuff."
Scrooge groaned. He pulled out some cash from his wallet.
"All right, all right," he sighed. He held out the bundle of dollars. "Ten million..."
I grinned and reached out for the money... As Scrooge yanked it back. He gave me an unpleasant smile.
"If! You'll actually marry Della and be respectable," he said. I gaped.
"What?! I was gonna marry her!"
"But we didn't," Della pointed out. She looked thoughtful. "Which did make me feel pretty bad, you know. It made me very reckless. May have even
contributed to me flying an experimental rocket and getting lost on the moon a year after you vanished."
I sagged a bit in guilt.
"Okay, what?!" I demanded. "Am I going to need a Powerpoint for all this? They still use Powerpoint, right?"
"Wait," Dewey began, "so if you weren't married when you had us, then does that mean we're bastards?"
"DEWEY!" Della, Scrooge, Huey, and myself shouted. Louie nodded.
"Well yeah, we are pretty much bastards," Louie said. "As in our parents weren't married."
"LOUIE!" We all shouted. He grinned.
"It's not a curse word! It's a technical term! Bastard bastard, bastard bastard~!"
I reached down and closed his beak with my hand. I sighed.
"I was gonna do it anyway, you know," I stated. "Duck Vegas, a honeymoon to the nearby casino-"
"Which casino?" Della asked. I shrugged.
"I don't know, the one shaped like a pyramid?"
"Ugh, fine," Scrooge groaned, as he handed over the money. I took it in my free hand, and handed the raygun and disk over. "But your first purchase is going to be a wedding planner. My choice."
"Are you going to tell me how to spend all my money?" I demanded.
"Like you know how to properly spend it!" Scrooge cried.
"Yay! We'll no longer be bastards!"
"HUEY!"
***
Because come on: We still don't know who Huey, Dewy and Louie's father is! Takes two to tango! So why not give a very good reason for him to be out of the picture?
This is just a one shot. Hopefully. You know how things go with me and oneshots. If enough people like it, I may do more.
Manuherik is derived from Manuherikia, a genus of Miocene ducks.
A Ducktales 2017 crossover fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Ducktales and other related media herein is the property of Disney Company. Please support the official release.
***
For Jeanine.
***
For some life is a box of chocolates. For others, it's a bed of roses.
For me? It's a floor covered by a nice warm carpet, the kind you can really sink your flippers into-Before it's yanked away and leaves you on cold, hard concrete covered in broken glass. The floor is laughing at you because every time you take a step on the carpet, and enjoy it, you really think it'll last forever. That it won't get pulled out from under you. Again.
That had been my entire life, really, up until I met Della Duck. I'd been out for a smoke after losing yet another job. It was some office job typing some crap, I don't remember precisely what it was. Then a dragon came through the alley I'd been sulking in. It had roared at me, and I'd started running my feathered ass off to get away!
Of all the ducks the stupid thing could have chased, it was me! What, did it think I was smoke flavored? I have no idea why. Well I did learn later, but I forgot.
What I do remember is that the hottest hen I had ever seen landed on the head of the dragon and slammed a spear through it. The monster was slain, and she rose, covered in blood and looking impossibly beautiful. She then smiled at me.
"Hey," she said, "thanks for luring it into the open like that! Good job!"
I think I said something eloquent but what I actually said was:
"Oh wow you're hot. Especially with blood on you."
She'd giggled and beamed at me.
"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!"
That was the start of my relationship with Della Duck. As well as her high strung twin brother (who I totally didn't think was as hot as Della when in girl's clothing, absolutely not) and her egotistical uncle.
Who, to be fair, had a lot to be egotistical about. He was Scrooge Motherfucking McDuck, the richest duck in the world and the greatest adventurer.
He went after weird mystical crap like a fat duck went after cake. To get treasure, of the most incredible kinds.
For some insane reason, I got wrapped up in this. Okay, not so insane. Della was amazing, and I wasn't just talking about her thighs, bottom, and breasts. It was like she was amazing inside and out. She really did care about people and things she'd just met. She really wanted to make the world a better place. She was really brave, kind, and caring. She wore everything on her sleeves.
The one thing I could never figure out was why she spent so much time on me.
No matter what shitty job I had next, she found me and just had to say six little words to me:
"Want to go on an adventure?"
The next instant, I was off. I spent maybe one third of the time screaming, another third screaming and running, and maybe a last third saying sarcastic shit to whatever crap was trying to kill us that week.
Why did I do it? Aside from the smoking hot, incredible hen who was taking me along? Well, did I actually need another reason?
I guess I did. Della gave it to me.
Just sitting on a boat after outwitting some rat pirates for a treasure from a sunken Lemurian temple, looking up at the stars, she was sitting with me. I was smoking, something she always chided me about but never stopped me from doing.
I finally asked her why. Not the smoking thing, but the more important thing:
"Why do you do this? Why do you drag me along?"
Della beamed at me with that amazing smile that always made my heart skip a beat.
"Because you're like me," Della said. "You never feel alive unless you're on an adventure. You think you're a loser. So did I, when I was younger. Normal society thinks we're weirdos and outcasts. But here? In these moments? We're truly ourselves."
I finally found the courage to kiss her in that moment. She kissed me back.
We didn't exactly advertise it. Donald and Scrooge are overprotective. Donald thought I was cool, since I could actually understand when he was sarcastic. Scrooge though, he always gave backhanded compliments at best.
We didn't care though. We were in love. Every moment with Della made up for every moment of my crappy, terrible life. Sure, I had lots of debt to local mobsters and a few pirates, but who cared?
I was in love.
Eventually, we did make a mistake. A wonderful mistake though. I got her pregnant. I was scared at first, but her happiness got to me. We were together, and raising children together just seemed like another adventure.
In adventure, we were the best. So parenting would be the best adventure.
God, I know it sounds so corny but in that moment? It sounded like it was engraved on the heart of the universe.
I had even gotten a ring, from doing odd jobs. All my own money that I had worked for. Della deserved that much.
Then I got pulled to another universe. Another Earth. One ruled by a bunch of hairless apes. None of them had ever heard of Duckberg. Most of them thought I was one of their smaller apes in a duck costume. I had to work so many odd jobs, go on so many crazy adventures. Hell, I even helped save the whole fucking universe once or twice.
Yeah, I may have flirted with a few of the hairless ape females. Maybe I'd even gone further… A few times.
Look, what was I gonna do huh? Bang one of the non-sapient waterfowl? I'm not into bestiality, thanks!
I just thought I was never going to go home. The multiverse is infinite, right? There was no chance of me ever going home again.
Or so I thought…
The Duckburg Tech Convention had gone through a lot of renovations, that was for sure. Or maybe it had always looked this way: Most of the time whenever I'd seen it, shit was exploding. Lasers were going amok and crap like that.
There was that Darkwing Duck Convention. So many chubby nerds in badly fitted costumes running around, it had been hilarious.
Today, it was packed with everything you might want to see if you were a Stark or a Reed or one of the other Big Brains back on Ape Earth. Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes-The works.
I'd donned a trenchcoat, hat, sunglasses and scarf to blend in. I mean, it had worked when I was a PI.
That was a weird time for me, even on that crazy Earth.
I'd wandered over to the McDuck Enterprises pavilion-Looks like the old geezer was still as subtle as ever. Still, it looked like he was still doing great. I wandered through the displays, looking over the offered new products. Most of them were pilotable robots, the kind of thing Stark loved so much.
Most of them were built and designed for civil construction: Welding, cutting down trees, pouring cement. All of that kind of shit. So, more useful than most of Stark's gadgets. So that was expected, I suppose.
At the end of the display was something I wasn't expecting-A gigantic bronze and silver titan, six meters tall, resembling a suit of armor crafted out of dragon bones. It wore a sleek black cape, and a sword at its side.
I walked up to the great titan, familiarity filling me like a pot of warm coffee. Damnit, I was getting nostalgic over the crazy shit I'd gotten up to before going to that other, crazier world.
The placard in front of it explained it all, really.
"The Manuherik! An ancient Greek fighting powered armor, derived from lost Atlantean technology! Powered by the heart of a dragon, it was used by the forces of Alexander the Great! It slew the Tarrasque of Antioch centuries later! And recovered on an adventure by Scrooge McDuck!"
I looked over to my elbow, and I saw… Him. He wore a red cap and a red shirt. He had a Junior Woodchuck Guidebook open in front of him. He was grinning in innocent glee and excitement, in the joy of learning something new. He looked up at me, and flushed self consciously.
"Um, sorry," he said. "I just-It's just so-"
"It's amazing, isn't it?" I asked. "It's been a while since I saw it." I looked up at it, and reached out. I touched the armor. The old runes reacted to me, glowing gently. The old contraption remembered me. The boy stared up at it in amazement. He looked back at me, and I pulled my hand back.
"How…?" He asked.
"What's your name, kid?" I asked. The duck coughed.
"Uh, I'm Huey Duck, sir." He pointed at two other ducks, like mirror duplicates of the first save in blue and green. "Those are my brothers, Louie and Dewey!"
The green one was sipping a soda and looking at his phone in boredom. The blue one was playing with an action figure of one of the mecha with a bright grin. Then… Then Della walked in. She was a little older, and she had a robotic leg. She smiled at two of her three boys, and gave them hugs.
The blue one eagerly returned it, while the green one hesitated a little before giving it. He was clearly embarrassed, but hid his delight well.
I stared, my gaze locked onto… Onto my family.
"Uh, and that's my mom," Huey said softly. He gave me a strange expression. "Also, who are you? Are you a reporter? A private investigator?"
I was silent. I looked back to my son. One of my sons. I looked back at the family. The distance suddenly felt as vast as the gaps between universes.
"... I'm just an old friend of your mom's," I decided on. Huey beamed brightly, and grabbed my hand. He began pulling me in her direction.
"Then-Then come on! I'm sure she'd be happy to see you! She's been gone for a while! Like, a long while!"
I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for this at all. My heart was beating like a drum. I was sweating like a leaky faucet. I was not ready for this.
"Ah-Ah-Another time," I stated, yanking my hand back. Huey looked confused, and a bit hurt.
"Are you sure? I'm sure it would cheer her up," he said earnestly.
Goddamnit. He was so kind. If he wasn't my kid, I'd say he was a pansy but because he was my kid-Damnit.
"Look, just go be with your fucking family, brat," I stated harshly. Huey looked like I'd slapped him. Guilt clenched at my heart as I clenched my teeth.
This was a stupid idea. It was always stupid. I turned to walk away as the kid stuttered.
"But-But I-"
The nearby McDuck Civil Mecha activated, and held up two gigantic arms made of chainsaws. Chainsaws which immediately revved up, buzzing loudly. Huey turned around and gasped.
"Holy-!"
The mecha swung the gigantic chainsaws as it got up. In a path that led the blades right through us. I grabbed Huey and threw myself back between the legs of the Manuherik!
Another mecha activated and rose up. Another and another, all McDuck Enterprises. I groaned.
"Gyro still hasn't figured out the morality circuits, has he?"
"No!" Huey cried. "The AIs are too simple! There's no way they could go haywire like Gyro's usual robots!" Huey then shot a stare at me. "Wait, how do you know that?!"
"Lucky guess!" I shouted.
"Yeah, well it's wrong!" Huey shouted. The loudspeakers of the mechas roared to life. An unfortunately familiar voice rattled over them.
"All right Duckberg! Time for a robot rock!" Ma Beagle cackled.
"Goddamnit, not her," I groaned. "How many more whelps has that old whore punched out?!"
"Language!" Huey shouted. The mecha charged through the convention, people screaming and running. I let out a long sigh.
It was like I'd never left.
"Come on kid, and you'd better fucking hope that that old geezer left everything where it's supposed to fucking be!" I climbed up to the top of the Manuherik's chest, Huey scrambling up behind me.
"Geez, do you kiss your mother with that beak?" Huey demanded. I smirked as I found the release mechanisms for the hatches.
"Not anymore. I did a lot of interesting things to your mother with it though!"
Huey made a face.
"Ugh! Hey, if that's an insult for the purposes of male bonding, that's way too far! It's also weird! I don't even know you!"
"If we get this done fast enough, you won't need to know anything else," I stated. I pulled the releases, and the hatch opened.
I slid into the old cockpit, slipping my arms and feet into the control mechanisms. The restraints automatically extended and held me tight and surely.
I felt the familiar pricks of the blood suckers in my neck, and hissed. I had a grin on my beak, as I felt the dragon's heart begin beating through the massive form of the Manuherik.
"I missed you too, baby," I growled. Huey poked his face into my view with a grin.
"Oh wow! How did you know how to get it working?! Do you have to make everything sound like an innuendo? How much blood does this thing need?"
I scowled. I carefully reached one of the arms over my chest, and grabbed Huey with one of the Manuherik's hands. I held him carefully, and pulled him back. Huey gaped.
"Huh?! What are you-?!"
"Listen kid: This is going to get messy. So get the hell out of here, NOW!" I shouted. I set my son down on the ground, and carefully got going. He stared at me with a hurt look.
"But-But I can help you!" He shouted.
"I DON'T NEED HELP! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" I bellowed as I shut the hatch tight. I took a deep breath as the Atlantean HUD runes lit up in front of my face.
I strode out into the main concourse of the convention center, feeling like a god across an ancient battlefield. Two of the mecha hijacked by Beagle Boys turned to face me-The lumberjack one, and one that looked like a gigantic rivet gunner.
I drew the sword, as long as a street lamp. Literally the only weapon the Manuherik had.
See, Atlantean mecha were built with artificial hearts, muscles, and fluids-The whole nine yards, like a living body. This made them very flexible, fast, and agile. They did have a weakness-Their big artificial hearts had to be exposed to get rid of the heat they generated, which made them damn good targets. The artificial hearts on the new mecha were small, but still visible-So I could hit them.
The one on my Manuherik was huge and exposed.
Now, if the Beagles were actually smart, the lumberjack would close in to box me in while the riveter fired on me from range. Try to take out my heart and render me utterly helpless.
The lumberjack instead charged, swinging its gigantic chainsaws wildly. The Riveter also charged, firing just as wildly.
Well, that hadn't changed. None of Ma Beagles' pups got her brains.
I sidestepped the idiot lumberjack and swung the sword like an axe. Both chainsaw arms came off, falling to the floor in a heap.
THUD!
I smoothly stepped into the next form of the Quack-Fu kata, and thrust through the exposed artificial heart powering the mecha. I held the lumberjack in front of myself, and shoved it into the rivet gunner. It fell back, and I stepped quickly around and behind to slam the sword through the artificial heart!
"Two down," I muttered, pulling my sword out of the disabled mecha. A cement mixer themed mecha charged at me next, and fired a huge stream of concrete at me. I waved my cape out to the side, throwing off the aim of the mixer, and threw the sword like a lance!
CRASH! Right through the artificial heart! The cement mixer collapsed into a pile of limbs, oil leaking all over the floor like fucking blood!
Then I felt heat behind me, and I turned as flames from a torch wielding mecha covered me. I held up my arms and stepped back, trying to make my way back to the sword. The torcher kept up the streams of flames, the Atlantean HUD screaming warnings in a language I didn't understand but got the gist of.
Remember the Manuherik's heart? Well, there's another weakness to them being so exposed. If you exposed them to incredibly high amounts of heat, they'd start to overheat and boil everything from the inside.
The new McDuck mechs based on this tech had probably found a way around this issue.
They hadn't applied it to the Manuherik though, as it literally began to suffer from heat stroke. I pulled my cape out, tried to use its incredible strength to resist the flames! It bought me time, time I used to try and get back to the sword… But the torch mecha just closed in, turning the heat up higher! I was dripping in sweat! It was a fucking oven in here! The heart was beating in panic, and so was mine!
"Goddamnit," I growled, "I did not… Come all this way… To become a roast duck!"
Then… A spray of water arched through the shimmering air. It struck the torch mecha, causing billows of steam to erupt and fill the air. I looked and made out a tiny, red hat wearing figure holding a firehose as best he could. My eyes widened.
"HUEY!" I shouted. The pilot of the torch mecha turned his jets off, and turned towards my son. He was standing amid the steam, terrified but still spraying water. The torch mecha glowed bright blue, readying a stream of flames…!
I grabbed one of the fallen chainsaw arms from the defeated lumberjack mecha, and swung hard! It smashed against the side of the torch mecha, and it turned. I could see its heart!
"TAKE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!" I bellowed, and tackled the torcher! I thrust the chainsaw through its heart as hard as I could, and the Manuherik gave its all! The heart chamber shattered under the strain, and I threw a desperate punch!
SQUISH!
My robotic fingers closed around the artificial heart, and I pulled with all my might! In a flood of oil and other machine gore, I ripped the heart out!
Of the mecha, not the pilot. He'd be fine, they all would be. Well, as fine as being sons of a bitch can be, the poor Beagle bastard.
The torcher fell back, twitching a bit, before it fell still. Above us, the fire suppression sprinklers started up, raining down upon us all and dowsing the flames.
The air was still so hot and stuffy though. I released the hatch, and embraced the falling rain with deep, labored breaths. I soon saw Huey running up to me, climbing up the leg of the Manuherik. He clumsily got up, panting hard, and looked up at me with a broad smile.
"I… I told you!" He shouted. "I told you, I told you! I helped!"
"You crazy little asshole," I gasped, "you could have been killed!"
"Yeah, and so could you!" Huey shot back with a glare. "Who are you?! How the heck did you know how to pilot this thing?!"
I opened my mouth to say something. Anything. I couldn't though, because then I saw her.
Della. She had been running up, Louie and Dewey behind her. She stopped short though, as our eyes met. She stared at me, and I stared back. I licked my beak, my mouth dry despite the falling artificial rain.
She ran up, leaping like a fucking gazelle, up the knees of the Manuherik and right up to the hatch. Despite the water from the sprinklers, I could tell she had tears in her eyes. Just like mine.
"... Sweetie?" She whispered.
"Uh," I managed, giving her a nod. "Hey babe."
"Mom? Who is this guy?" Louie demanded, scrambling up alongside her. Dewey was on the other side, hesitating just a little but unwilling to be left out. Della let out a long sigh.
"Huey, Dewey, Louie," she said thickly, "this is Howard Duckson… Your father."
There was dead silence, save for the falling rain and the whimper of one of the Beagles. Dewey finally broke it.
"Why aren't you dead?!"
"Lots of reasons," I said. I looked up at Della and smiled. "All of which I'll explain-"
She slugged me right in the beak. My head snapped back, and I felt a tooth loosen. I slowly looked back at her, as my boys stared at their mother in shock. Della was breathing hard, eyes burning in anger and fear.
God she was still so beautiful.
"I probably deserved that," I managed.
She then hugged and kissed me. I wrapped her in a deep hug. My robot arms emulated me, and pushed us all into an incredibly awkward family hug.
Fuck you Life. I deserved this more.
She pulled back, just enough to catch her breath. She gave me a look.
"What the heck happened?!" She cried.
"That's... A long story," I said. "Maybe I could tell it when I'm not getting the blood leeched out of me by my fighting robot?"
"Oh! Oh, right! Come on boys, let's get him out of here."
You know, I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry if I saw Della and our kids. I really did. An actual promise, no crossing my fingers behind my back.
So I just settled for the water of the sprinklers hiding the hot tears running down my feathery cheeks as I hugged my boys and my woman on the convention center floor. After over a decade of living in a crazy universe of flesh-faced monsters with magic, superheroes, and reboots... This felt so right. It felt unbelievably... Nice.
I'm not a fucking poet. Though I thought I was once when I was drunk.
There was a part of my mind already anticipating this amazing, wholesome moment being ruined by something or someone. A kind of tension in your back ready to spring.
"HOWARD BLOODY DUCKSON!"
Ah, there it was. Della, Huey, Dewey and Louie all turned as the sprinklers ended their torrents. An elderly duck in red, a black silk top hat atop his head and a cane in his hand, strode up to us. One of the Beagles got out of his mech, and tried to make a run for it. The old geezer though hefted up his cane and whacked the dumb bastard on the head. The Beagle was knocked out and collapsed.
Well, he hadn't lost a single step in the decade. I cleared my throat.
"Scrooge Fucking McDuck," I replied. Della elbowed me.
"Language," she chided me.
"What, you're doing that now?" I demanded.
"I'm a mom now!" Della cried. "I have to be responsible! And you're a dad! So you have to be responsible too!"
"That's what that means?" I asked in disbelief. I got a punch to the beak which snapped my head back. "GAH!"
Scrooge pulled his fist back, glaring darkly. I reached up and rubbed my beak.
"You're not going to kiss me too, are you?"
"You ran off on Della when she needed you, and now you're back?!" Scrooge demanded.
"Hey!" Huey shouted. "He did just save me! And your robots!"
"After being gone fer a decade," Scrooge pointed out.
"Yeah, because that's totally not unusual in this family," Louie pointed out sarcastically. "Also, does anyone die in this family?! I'm not complaining!
Much, I mean!"
"I am!" Dewey shouted. "Uncle Donald told us he was a bum who disappeared and probably died thanks to his own stupidity!"
"Hey!" I shouted. "I got pulled into another universe ruled by hideous, bald apes thanks to one of their stupid science experiments!"
Scrooge scoffed.
"Like I haven't heard that excuse a dozen times!"
I sighed. I looked at Della.
"You believe me, right babe?"
Della smiled and nodded.
"Of course I do! Crazier things have happened to us!" She said.
I grinned back. She beamed.
"But some proof would be nice, too."
"Yes, it would be," Scrooge ground out. My boys looked at me expectantly.
I sighed, and rummaged in my blazer pockets. I pulled out a small holodisk. I held it out in front of me, and clicked it once.
A holographic image appeared over the disk. It was of the human who had helped me get home, Doctor Stephen Strange. He looked as prim and ramrod stiff as ever.
"To whomever it concerns," the recording began, "I am Doctor Stephen Strange, the Sorcerer Supreme of Universe 616 Dash 457.42 Alpha."
Scrooge and Della's feathery brows went up at that. Okay, I was in. They knew what that was.
"Howard Duckson of your universe did indeed end up in our universe approximately eleven Earth years ago, by no fault of his own," the recording went on, "and he has been of great assistance the forces of Good in this universe. He has aided our world and all life in this universe on many occasions."
I gave a proud smirk to Scrooge, who had crossed his arms over his chest. Della looked proud. My boys were grinning in glee. Strange's hologram
gave a sardonic look.
"Despite being a drunk, a smoker, a lazy layabout, a pervert, a libertine, a spendthrift, a pornographer-"
I hit the stop button with a glare. I hadn't authorized that!
Louie snickered. Dewey blushed. Huey covered his face with his hands.
"You get the idea!" I shouted. Scrooge was now smirking, as Della sighed and hugged me happily.
"You haven't changed a bit!" She cried. My boys were staring at one another warily. I scratched the back of my head.
"Hey! He just happened to see me at my worst moments! Just those!" I insisted.
"I dunno, sounds spot on tae me," Scrooge observed. He gave me a glare. "Och, I suppose you'll be wantin' tae stay at the mansion too, huh? After wrecking me robots?"
I snorted.
"Please, I'm not out for a handout from you anymore! I know it's a waste of time," I stated. I pulled out a Kree raygun and held it and the holodisk. "In
fact, I'll pay my own way! I will sell you these one of a kind alien technologies from another universe! Right here, right now."
"How do I know they're one of a kind?" Scrooge asked. "It's a big universe."
"Seriously?" Dewey asked.
I rolled my eyes.
"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll give you a family discount. Just so I can live on my own without any handouts."
Scrooge raised his eyebrows and then slowly extended his hand out to the junk in my hands.
I then pulled my hands back.
"Ten million dollars," I stated. Scrooge gaped.
"Ten million?!" He cried. "That's highway robbery!"
"For things that are from another universe?" I asked dryly.
"I've got stuff from other universes in me vault!" Scrooge said, waving his hand. "One million!"
"Ten!" I insisted.
"Two!" Scrooge ground back.
"Ten!"
"Four!"
"Ten!"
"Five!"
"Ten!"
Della rolled her eyes. "Uncle Scrooge," she groaned, "please just pay him!"
"I'm already getting bored," Dewey sighed.
Louie was grinning. "I'm not!"
"I just want to see the raygun up close," Huey admitted.
Scrooge grumbled, and considered.
"Nine point five!"
"Seriously?" I demanded. Scrooge shook his head.
"Well it's not like I don't have ray guns already!" He cried.
"But from a different universe?" Louie asked. "I mean, even the material sciences of these devices could be worth billions!"
His brothers gave him odd looks. He shrugged. "What? I can see the value of nerd stuff."
Scrooge groaned. He pulled out some cash from his wallet.
"All right, all right," he sighed. He held out the bundle of dollars. "Ten million..."
I grinned and reached out for the money... As Scrooge yanked it back. He gave me an unpleasant smile.
"If! You'll actually marry Della and be respectable," he said. I gaped.
"What?! I was gonna marry her!"
"But we didn't," Della pointed out. She looked thoughtful. "Which did make me feel pretty bad, you know. It made me very reckless. May have even
contributed to me flying an experimental rocket and getting lost on the moon a year after you vanished."
I sagged a bit in guilt.
"Okay, what?!" I demanded. "Am I going to need a Powerpoint for all this? They still use Powerpoint, right?"
"Wait," Dewey began, "so if you weren't married when you had us, then does that mean we're bastards?"
"DEWEY!" Della, Scrooge, Huey, and myself shouted. Louie nodded.
"Well yeah, we are pretty much bastards," Louie said. "As in our parents weren't married."
"LOUIE!" We all shouted. He grinned.
"It's not a curse word! It's a technical term! Bastard bastard, bastard bastard~!"
I reached down and closed his beak with my hand. I sighed.
"I was gonna do it anyway, you know," I stated. "Duck Vegas, a honeymoon to the nearby casino-"
"Which casino?" Della asked. I shrugged.
"I don't know, the one shaped like a pyramid?"
"Ugh, fine," Scrooge groaned, as he handed over the money. I took it in my free hand, and handed the raygun and disk over. "But your first purchase is going to be a wedding planner. My choice."
"Are you going to tell me how to spend all my money?" I demanded.
"Like you know how to properly spend it!" Scrooge cried.
"Yay! We'll no longer be bastards!"
"HUEY!"
***
Because come on: We still don't know who Huey, Dewy and Louie's father is! Takes two to tango! So why not give a very good reason for him to be out of the picture?
This is just a one shot. Hopefully. You know how things go with me and oneshots. If enough people like it, I may do more.
Manuherik is derived from Manuherikia, a genus of Miocene ducks.
