Thus Buzzes the Babylon Bee

Trump Signs New Order That All Female Video Game Characters Must Be Hot Now


WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move praised by conservative gamers, Trump has signed a new executive order that all female video game characters must be hot now.

"We're going to bring back the babes," said Trump as he signed the order in the presence of a giggling Elon Musk. "The hot ones, the hot ones, who doesn't like the hot ones? Am I right folks?"

Truly, a new golden age is upon us.
 
Shit like this is why I cancelled Netflix.


It never would've come to this if Netflix didn't change it's multiple people on account policy. Basically family.
 
Bring the Big Macs and fries with soda as well.

Why is this the first time I have heard of the Babylon Bee? It's quite funny.
 
Bring the Big Macs and fries with soda as well.

Why is this the first time I have heard of the Babylon Bee? It's quite funny.
Want to know something more hilarious.

There's a non-zero chance the only reason we live in the timeline we do is because of the Bee.

You see, there was this techbro billionaire who while he wasn't a full conservative right winger enjoyed the Babylon Bee's comedy and followed them on Twitter.

The Bee, being an explicitly conservative Christian satire site, made a joke about a trans member of the Biden administration, and used said person's original pronouns, thus committing the insufferable crime of misgendering.

Thus Twitter banned the Bee.

That techbro billionaire who enjoyed the Bee? You may have heard of him, he's some African-American involved in electric vehicles and rockets named Elon Musk.

It was only after the Bee was banned from Twitter that Musk started to seriously look at buying it, and once he bought it one of the first things he did was unban the Bee.

I'm not saying the only reason Musk bought Twitter was to free the Bee, but it did, in fact, play a major role. Musk buying Twitter and reforming it into X has then had MASSIVE repercussions...

Potentially all because Twitter banned the Bee, a conservative Christian satire website that was just the right-wing version of the Onion...
 

  1. General home defense: M1 Garand. Enjoy the sweet sounds of storming Omaha Beach right in your living room.
  2. Deer hunting: Bazooka.
  3. Attracting the ladies: Guns don't work here; you'll need an oversized anime sword.
  4. Political debates: A Marin le Bourgeoys flintlock pistol. Should be accurate up to 10 paces.
  5. Scaring away daughter's suitors: Trusty Remington 870 12-gauge. Simply rack the pump-action and watch those pencil-neck dweebs scurry away.
  6. Dealing with bounty hunters sent by Jabba the Hutt to collect a price on your head: BlasTech DL-44. It works best if you're the one who shoots first.
  7. Seeing your bros from across the room: Finger guns.
  8. Fighting off fanatical alien zealots who are trying to trigger a superweapon that will destroy all sentient life in the galaxy: Trusty MA5B assault rifle and a coupla sticky grenades.
  9. Driving cattle through yonder pass before the Comanches arrive: A classic lever-action rifle.
  10. Looking like a tool at the range: A tactical lever-action rifle.
  11. 5th-grade sleepover: Nerf Elite Titan CS-50. Revel in the mournful cries of your enemies as they fall in a hail of foam bullets.
  12. Road rage: Glock 19. Must be held sideways.
  13. Fending off a mob of commie ANTIFA soy boys: No gun needed, just misgender them.

very correct assessment on 8 and 11. can confirm that #3 only catches weirdos. if a gal asks for you to hold a gun to her head while intimate that is a red flag.
 
German In Jail For A Meme Sure Hopes EU Can Stop Spread Of Russian Tyranny

FRANKFURT — According to sources, a German man who was jailed by authorities for sharing a meme is expressing hope that the European Union will stop the spread of Russian tyranny.

Adelbert Schneider, who has been held in solitary confinement for posting an insensitive meme depicting the Prophet Muhammed dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants in 2019, relayed to a reporter he hoped that Germany and its allies in the EU would stop Putin's aggression before Russia had a chance to take away the freedoms of German citizens.

"It's Europe's only hope for pretend freedom," Schneider said through the narrow slot of his prison cell door. "If Vladimir Putin and his evil Russian regime are allowed to run roughshod across our countries, Europeans will be doomed to a life without liberty. They might even be silenced and locked away for expressing their opinions. It would be horrible."
 
Such a relief to know this isn't true.

GmxVeSuWoAAc_Xu


Disney be dropping bombs. Expensive ones too...


Disney constantly floundering won't actually lead to naval contracts either I hope.
 

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