Images The Mall Ninja Thread

[Bear Ribs]

We need a thread on the wonderful world of cursed knives and swords beloved by mall ninjas everywhere. I'll get us started.

Standard issue US Marines Kunai. I mean, I didn't even know the Marines had a throwing academy. Pretty cool.

Ordinary Sai are not Mall Ninja enough.

Mall Ninja Brass Knuckles are much cooler.

 

[PsihoKekec]

And their Lord Savior is Gecko 45

 

[Bear Ribs]

Eh, while I know the term originated with him, Gecko42 isn't really the epitome of Mall Ninja. Too much emphasis on his cursed guns and duct-taped body armor to take sustained barrages of .338 rounds to the back, instead of the cursed melee weapons that have standardized the current Mall Ninja Image.

Like this mall ninja dagger, which is more likely to manage to shatter and injure you with its fragments that actually hurt the person you're stabbing. I'm seriously not sure I could safely sheath this thing without it snapping.

It's terrifying to say but Gecko45 was actually too practical to be a modern mall ninja.

 

[Bear Ribs]

Being a mall ninja is a hard life. You might just want to game, but you know enemies could lurk around any corner, and if a dozen men with guns burst into your home suddenly, you could suffer defeat if you weren't prepared.

This is why a dedicated mall ninja makes sure they are always prepared...

 

[Battlegrinder]

I've actually been toying with the idea of getting a ninjato sword, which is basically a straight bladed Japanese style sword, as I like the overall look of the design. However, the ninjato's most notable features are A) supposedly the traditional sword used by ninjas, and B) not existing historically, which combined makes finding a good one very difficult.

Conveniently for this thread though, it makes finding a bad one hilariously easy. For example:

If you ever see a "weapon" that combines low price, blacked steel, and a parachute cord grip, it's almost certainly trash, and this one is no different. Notably it doesn't even mention what sort of steel it's made of, which always a giant red flag.

The included scabbard is a nice inclusion, including the suggestion to wear it on your back, which is actually a good idea for this sword, as you cannot actually draw a sword from a back scabbard when worn like that*, preventing you from brandishing it at your would be assailants and then having to endure their mockery n addition to them beating you up (if you own this sword, the beating was inevitable).


The same store also has this thing:

Which is still cheap enough I wouldn't trust it, but it's at least got a real grip on it and they tell you it's made of actually OK steel, so it has some selling points.....or, well, it has some features that aren't anti-selling points.

One of which appears to be a glass breaker in the hilt, which I can't really complain is a bad idea, but also doesn't seem to be a particularly good one, as even if you happen to be in a car wreak and happen to have you gladius on the time, a more conventional glass breaker or the one on the tactical knife you almost certainly also have would probably be the better choice.





*There are back scabbards that are designed to let you wear even a large sword on your back, but they're specially designed for that role, such as this one here:

Note how it's open to the side for most of the scabbard, so you only have to draw it partway and then rotate it out of the scabbard for the rest of the "draw".

 

[Bear Ribs]

If you ever see a "weapon" that combines low price, blacked steel, and a parachute cord grip, it's almost certainly trash, and this one is no different. Notably it doesn't even mention what sort of steel it's made of, which always a giant red flag.

Protip: If you don't want to be made fun of your blacked steel ninjato, you can get a rainbow one.

 

[Battlegrinder]

Protip: If you don't want to be made fun of your blacked steel ninjato, you can get a rainbow one.

But that just gets you made fun of for your rainbow steel ninjato.

 

[Bear Ribs]

But that just gets you made fun of for your rainbow steel ninjato.

Then you call them trans- or homo-phobic and get to win automatically.

 

[Battlegrinder]

Then you call them trans- or homo-phobic and get to win automatically.

I object to the idea that anyone who owns a rainbow steel ninjato would ever be judged as or allowed to win anything.

 

[PsihoKekec]

Protip: If you don't want to be made fun of your blacked steel ninjato, you can get a rainbow one.

I'd love to test these against log splitter axe.

 

[Bear Ribs]

I'd love to test these against log splitter axe.

I suspect they'd lose a fight against a table knife, much less an axe.

In other awesome pieces of gear, what's three times cooler than a knife? Three conjoined knives, arranged so that it's impossible to hold in any way without risking cutting your hand from one of the blades!

 

[PsihoKekec]

I thought these were edgy fidget spinners.

 

[Bear Ribs]

I think it's actually inspired by the Glaive from Krull, which didn't resemble a glaive at all and has caused generations of weapons enthusiasts to pull their hair out looking at idiots calling a shuriken a "glaive."

However in the movie, the Glaive was guided by telekinesis, and the hero wasn't expected to actually have to touch it with the blades extended so, somehow, the sorcery movie magic weapon was still more practical than Ninja Mall Gear.

 

[The Whispering Monk]

@Battlegrinder
If you want something that's really made well, just contact this company:
Japanese Swords - Custom Hand Made Katana's From Angel Sword

They will do ninja-to

 

[Cherico]

Protip: If you don't want to be made fun of your blacked steel ninjato, you can get a rainbow one.

I've seen worse

 

[Bear Ribs]

I've seen worse

Challenge accepted.

 

[Bear Ribs]

Behold: The most mall ninja question on Quora ever.

If someone breaks into my house with a firearm and I sneak behind them with a Katana and decapitate him, would I likely go to jail (In Fl...

Answer (1 of 8): WOW! An interesting scenario, let’s see what we can find in the law. First, we must be sure of where you’re doing the chopping. The presumption is Florida, but a lawyer should not assume a fact. If Florida is correct, then let’s see what we figure out. First, we must recognize t...

www.quora.com

I do appreciate some of the answers though.

Ok, this is an unlikely scenario, I am sure of a few things preventing this scenario from ever playing out.

1. It's not likely your mom's basement has windows that would allow an intruder access.
2. It's not likely you would ever hear an intruder over the sound of world of Warcraft from your mom's basement where you have lived for the past 38 year's.
3. It's not likely that the laws of physics would ever allow you to “Sneak up” on anyone, as the bowing floorboards would creak under the extreme punishment bestowed on them by your extremely bulbous pale white man/boy body. And would alert the intruder of your presence.
4. It's not likely that even if you did hear the intruder over the Porno and videogames from your mom's basement that you would ever be able to make it up the stairs fast enough as your slightly ample frame would place your cardiovascular system in a strenuous situation and you would have to stop halfway up the stairs to catch your breath. And the intruder would interpret the sound of your gasps for air as some weird sci fi horror film where some unspeakable freakish nightmare is locked in the basement.
5. It is not likely that the laws of physics would allow the extension of your elbows in any hallway setting as proportionally there wouldn't be enough room to allow you to swing anything.
6. This isn't fruit Ninja.
7. Even if you did manage to make all these things happen in opposition to the laws of physics and the 5 primary senses of the Human mind didn't detect you, the police report would likely be detailed information about the remarkable feats necessary that somehow miraculously caused an intruder to be assailed by the man previously thought to be stuck in his mother's basement, and the taxpayers would be relieved that a crane would not be necessary in the future.

 

[Morphic Tide]

This one, strangely enough, is actually very close to a sensible shape. The giant curved thing is a somewhat inefficient handguard compared to the usual bar, but does the job just fine. An inch or two forward on the smaller spikes to put them ahead of the grip they come out of would mean they give a slight bit of cover to a forward grip, as at times done for thrusting.

And the massive taper at the front fits right in with thrusting, almost making it function like a spear when needed. If you grip at the edge of the foregrip and the pommel, you have loads of control over where that point is going to jab at someone at the edge of your reach, and if this thing is a genuine two-hander then overall it's weird, but if it was proper steel it would be usable.

The problem is the cutouts. They're the wrong way to catch blades, and sharpening anything with them is an utter nightmare. The see-through bit between the two grip areas does not seem to have a proper tang through it, so it's likely prone to having the grip break in half, and the narrow adjoining of the handguard makes another breaking risk.

Complete the curved handguard as a solid arc, get the tang full-length, make it of proper steel, and convert the cutouts to moments of extreme taper to work like a Flamberge, then you've got yourself a solid 9/10 grounded fantasy weapon. Even as-is, the thing's not far in the slightest from historic decorative armament, very good wall-hanger.

 

[PsihoKekec]

I do appreciate some of the answers though.

Dat burn. Trogdor would be proud.

 

[Bear Ribs]